Go With The Flow

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2012-02-13T22:42:00.003+08:00

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Its not a good sign when its barely the 3rd or 4th week into the semester and already you're wishing it would come to an end. I've been trying and things haven't been working out. I already feel so burnt out and exhausted. Sleep doesn't quench the tiredness that never seems to go away. I feel tired even on good days. I feel like a bottle that's going to explode. Shake me some more and watch me burst. Haha.

I Need to go to the beach soon.. and cycle or just hang with a nice friend or something. I need some quiet.. I need space. Thank goodness for Surf and Sweat this Sunday (: at least it's something to look forward to and enjoy although I'm gonna be running 5k and surfing 600m so it'll be pretty physically exhausting.. haha.

My mind needs a rest. I need some peace and quiet desperately and i wish someone would just understand what's going on with me now. I've been feeling So Much frustration recently i really think i might burst sometime. Nothing i've done has helped to relieve it; not making new social connections, not tying up those loose ends, not spending the time studying and keeping busy, not sleeping, not dreaming, not watching anime and enjoying it, I'm starting to feel concerned about what's happening inside. I've been sleeping more, and earlier, so i don't understand what's going on with me. I was aware there was going to be a transition.. but i guess i didn't expect it to take quite this long or tire me this much.

Anyhow, 2012 has been good to me thus far.. and i should be grateful for that no matter what other problems i may be facing right now. Its not too late to change and be positive about life.

Im just feeling quite tired right now

Misunderstood

2012-02-03T00:14:00.003+08:00

Discriminaton - preparation for tougher times? or a life-long prison sentence

Do you ever feel misunderstood? Feel as though even a slight, careless turn in the wrong direction'll send things tumbling down? most of us do sometimes. I wonder if i'll ever stop being misunderstood. Maybe most people feel that way too, but don't voice it out for fear of exposing their weaknesses.

Some time back someone told me that i needed to try and be happy. (not in the sense of being close and intimate with someone but in the sense of being happy about the state of things-whatever they are) Im not talking to them anymore. It's kind of a blur how things came to an abrupt end.. but here i am. I do feel pain, but its better this way. (at least everyone including me thinks so.) For some time i tried to digest the meaning of that statement- "to try and be happy" and i realized that i didn't know what that even meant. Yes, be happy, take life one step at a time, smile, enjoy.. hmm. What else is there to do? Don't all of us do as we're told? maybe that's what i did too much of. What i should have done was to Listen to myself, to my heart in a more specific sense, think less and go with instinct. Besides, aren't our instincts the very core of our greatest desires/inclinations? I'm not used to doing what i Want to at all. I listen to everyone, take in their opinions, am ready to shape myself to fit whatever social mould or construct i know and compromise for almost anyone at any moment. Yet, around march last year, i started to do things that i'd always wanted, compromised a whole lot less to achieve those wants, (yea someone'll always be displeased with whatever i wish to do cos it doesn't agree with them) but still it didn't complete me.

So when that person mentioned "being happy", i struggled with the whole concept over again. I figured, maybe it wasn't anyone's fault that i wasn't happy. The grass always seemed greener on the other side yet when i got there it seemed just as green. Things that i had, always seemed less appealing than those that i couldn't get within my grasp. Was i the only one who was built that way, or were others similar too? when i tried appreciating things more, being "happy and fulfilled" as many would call it, i started to see how ugly the world was. It was easy to lose faith in the hope of feeling happy once again. Why should i try when the whole world doesn't? At this juncture you might be wondering, what does that have to do with feeling misunderstood?

Lets see. Being happy required me to behave like myself and feel comfortable and accepted in my environment/society. How's that ever going to happen? I'm not drawing attention to the whole sexuality view just yet. Let's just deal with slightly less intense issues first. One issue that i've never had a problem with was the way i dressed and behaved, simply because it was a simple test. From as long as i can remember, i've always wanted to filter out the flake outs vs the true ones. The way i conducted myself, combined with my own personality and behaviour served as the basic test. I'd know who the real ones were from seeing who classified me under "unconventional and queer" or who feared me 'infecting' them simply because i wasn't part of the Norm. I wouldn't have needed this test it if everyone treated each other equally. (is it too much to expect of people to treat one another equally?) I know i am an idealist and have always imagined life in a better, brighter world. Somehow living in this one remains a constant disappointment. It has taken me my teenage years to understand that i am never going to be accepted by this society. And to cut the long matter short, that makes me Unhappy. Very unhappy. How would you feel if you were an outcast everywhere you went? Love, relationships, marriages, individual rights, the need to suppress all the time? etc etc.. human relationships. They're all universal. Through my experience of traveling to different parts of the world last year and this year: Turkey, Malaysia, Maldives, Vietnam, Laos.. the reaction i get from people from each different hemisphere's the same. They expect males and females to fit comfortably into the separate spheres and go along with society's conventions and "rules". I knew i didnt/don't fit in at all, but that isn't even the main problem. Im fine with standing out as someone different. I just wished that i was Accepted. It's possible to be different and yet accepted right? Yep. Im not afraid to be myself and i don't intend to be with anyone who's ashamed to be with me and who wants to hide me from the world. Suppressing myself by myself is one thing that's difficult to deal with, but when it's coming from someone who you Thought loves you and Accepts you for who you are? if they really loved you, they wouldn't try to change you or force you to live a lie. My views on that has never changed. Hmm.

Digressing a little bit.. when you asked me if i would tell my friends that you were my gf, i said "no" because at that point in time you weren't even my gf yet. And i didn't even consider us to be Really dating cos we hadn't even gone out a lot. So i said no. But if you were my gf, then yes of course. Alright, just so we're clear. Haha.

Back now. God. I just wish people would get to know me on the basis of:

-For guys, like i was a normal girl and not give me the impression that you only talk to girls if you're interested in them or if they're appealing cos what the hey, i could be more approachable than some girly girls for all you know, which you don't because from experience (of lets say, my entire life???) guys don't get to know girls unless there's smth in for them. Something maybe Some girly girls won't understand but its smth I'm so familiar with that its Depressing.

-For girls, can you relax?? just because I'm interested to get close to you or am close to you doesn't mean I'm obsessed/in love with you/interested in getting together with you so can you please stop making me feel like I'm doing something wrong? I'm being myself. Which is.. being friendly, affectionate (you'll know that I'm affectionate with both guys and girls once I'm close to them but not if I'm not close) and much more candid. I just seem like i prefer the company of girls to guys cos from the above "guys" para you can see how guys relate to me so yea, duh. That's why i Really prefer hanging out with bisexual girls or crooked girls cos they don't draw a line between me and them implying, we're different from 'you'. I have good reason to prefer hanging out with girls haha. It's so hard to meet a nice guy who wants to be my friend for real. It's so rare that its frankly pathetic on the guys' side. Haha just continue being guys with guy interests and i think i will lose Complete faith in the male race and any of you being decent ya?

At this point in my life, I'm already so tired of being misunderstood that it might be better being alone??? Things are easier, less emotional, more efficient. And i say this with conviction.. haha.

I hope the future generation will be more accepting towards LGBT people like me. Its hard enough knowing that the only people who can truly understand how this feels are the those who're trapped in the same boat, not the ones who're pretending to be. If there is an opportunity for me to feel more hopeful about the world and of greater change, then let it be this.

Dead Inside

2012-01-31T23:07:00.002+08:00

Dont Know How Dead I Am Inside

Your idea of encouragement is by telling me that my writing sucks?
Its nowonder why i dont like writing anymore cos whatever i write isn't good enough for you.
Haha.

Yes. I know i am weak.
Anything else?

Writing never used to be this agonising and yes, i know i suck.
You're really good okay? In addition to writing, analysing and thinking well,
You're really superb at tearing people down too.

I dont need your approval, i just need some encouragement from time to time and usually,
It doesn't come in the form of..
"your language and vocab is weak. Im not saying you're bad, but compared to the best, you're weak."

Lalala
Perhaps a good idea would be to sleep this off later and pretend i never heard it yeah??

Goodnight.

Honest Honest

2012-01-29T18:10:00.002+08:00

Honest Honest Post

Sigh sigh the CNY hols are almost over. School begins tomorrow already. Went to Zirca with Chels and Jolynn last night for this lollipop event and the music at rebel was pretty good. Hmm.. i've been really distracted these last few weeks.. need to get my act together soon. It's gonna be week 2 of school soon and work's already starting to pour in. Haha. Not to mention, i've hardly done any work since school started..

Just saw my course schedule again and its so packed. Haha. I feel like i can hardly breathe even by just reading it lol. I hope things go well this sem. Wont let myself screw finals up like last sem. Could've gotten A- for math.. but i messed up. =/ gotta start planning my time properly and start working smarter. Less play and more work. My current gpa's okay only but I'm hoping to get 2nd upper honors.. hmm.. I'm so near to slipping off.. guess i better stop procrastinating and wasting time doing nothing and start putting in the work.

Maybe i've been a bit depressed lately. Sigh. But i better get up and get moving if i wanna do well for this course. Hmm and i'm still thinking if i selected the right course of study.. business feels right for me but somewhere deep down it doesn't feel like it really "fits" my personality. Haha maybe i have a split personality. Lol. For now i guess i'll just have to carry on.. [:

Okay this might be really random but sometimes (okay a lot of the time) i feel like people/my friends don't see me the way i see myself. Haha. Im not really sure why but the way they think of me isn't how i am at all! or at least how i view myself.. sigh. So complicated. Sometimes i wonder if they really know me at all. I mean, not All of them make me feel this way.. only those that've known me since young (pri sch) seem to really get me. Haha. I guess that's cos we grew up together.. there're only a handful of primary school friends who seem to really know me. And i feel grateful for them (:

Hmm i also realized that i stopped doing the things i loved ever since competition ended in J2. I stopped

1) Playing badminton (liking it)

2) Writing

3) Day dreaming

It seems like that part of me just gave up. Still not really sure why but sometimes i feel so incomplete. But whenever i do those things again, i don't really feel the same as before. The happiness doesn't feel as strong. It doesn't distract me from the pain as much as it used to. Maybe that's why i don't enjoy it as much now.. hmm. I don't know. I wish i had answers.

I think many people see me as someone who's disciplined, hardworking, strong willed, unafraid, good at expressing myself and really cheerful but i just think that that's the person i Have to be. I don't really know how to explain this. (haha see I'm actually not as expressive as people think) Hmm maybe everyone feels like this from time to time. I mean I'm sure they do. Hmm.. but i honestly don't think of myself as being all of the above most of the time. Haha.

I can actually be Very lazy, lousy at resisting temptation, so weak willed that you can't even imagine, afraid, someone who chokes on their words so much that they give up talking at all (haha you must be thinking, does she really choke on her words? maybe i just hide it well..) and so damn negative at times that getting me to think on the bright side of things would be your worst nightmare. Haha. I don't know or understand why I'm being someone that i think i have to be too. It's just normal. No one likes to reveal their weaknesses to others right? i guess that's me. I guess i didn't think too much about the whole idea of hiding our weaknesses cos the entire thing is so innate to me already.

I guess there are few in this world that i'll let my guard down to.

Hmm. Anyhow, i gotta go print out stuff and start on my work. I've been such a slacker that my playfulness is already starting to guilt trip me because i've been slacking so much that its been unhealthy. Haha.

-There you have it,

Armour Back On.

Don't Need This Heart

2012-01-27T01:08:00.004+08:00

Don't Need This Heart

Only 6 more days before its February. Hell yeah is the year flying right past us by.. haha. I hope it'll slow down.. ): its moving too fast and so is school! haha.

So its the CNY hols for me now while the rest of my friends are having school in NUS/NTU/SMU. Kinda sucks for em but I'm not complaining about my own situation :D hahaha. CNY has been great although i only visited relatives on the 1st day cos many of em passed away last year. Had a nice time bonding with Darius, dad's side and my mom's side. Death seems to have brought our different families together, and we "seem" closer now although nothing tangible of the sort has happened to bring us closer. I guess having a loved one taken from us made us identify with each other on a more intimate level, and caused us to think twice about "not giving a shit" about our other relatives. Haha. Haha that was put in quite a blunt manner but yeh. The idea's across (;

This CNY was really different from the other years. Things went a lot smoother than i had expected, and i guess it felt really good being able to relax and not have my guard up all the time. It wasn't as tiring as before. Hmm (: hopefully things will be able to continue this way and perhaps improve in future? i hope haha.

Anyhow, today Sabila and i crashed Shahnaz's 407 class bbq. It was held in the afternoon and all the east siders headed to Botanic Gardens together.. haha. Bought the groceries, and started the fire and all that. It was really fun (: aha most of em were from soci and psych.. haha. See what i mean? lone business student again aha. Lol just kidding.. haha. Haha but seriously, soci,comms and psych ppl are in totally different spheres from biz ppl its kinda sad. Most of my friends are in soci. Hmm.. this sem all my classmates are from biz alr. It kinda overwhelming! lol. Since orientation i've always been the lonely biz student. Haha. From og, to 407, to psy101 and even mth115, all my friends were from soci and psych. Haha. Hmm.. anyhow change is good. (:

Left the bbq at 5 and headed over to Nex to meet Renaa, Sokyi, Charlotte and Gary. Went for dinner at Ajisen and talked nonsense. Haha. Stayed there for quite awhile then headed over to Renaa's place for Ban Luck. Hahaha (blackjack) Gambled, made 40 cents. Hahaha not bad at least i didn't lose anything. Had fun laughing at nothing and crapping ard [: Left ard 1045 and just got home about 2 hours ago (: ahha.

-----

Maybe you were right about me. Maybe I'm as despicable as you say. Im not perfect, I'm not even saying I was someone good enough, but i never gave up, until the end. And maybe.. just MAYBE one day you'll appreciate the things i did. Maybe you won't. But if you do, remember i was a different person then. I was as whole for you as i could. Im not sure how anyone can be the same after suffering from a betrayal like that. Haha. The entire thing destroyed me. It feels so hopeless. I don't see you the same way anymore. Guess that's a good thing.

I can't feel my heart. [:

Start of a New Year!!

2012-01-17T00:49:00.003+08:00

Start of a New Year!!

Lalala school/sem 2 has started, time to pull up em socks. Haha. Had fun at school today. It was probably one of the most fun days I've had in school since i entered UB in August.. hahaa. Had a long day, it was hard to get through, but i did it! Had only a few short hours of sleep before having to crawl out of bed to hit the snooze on the alarm. (torturous recurrence that takes place everyday)

The first lesson of the day was MGA201. Santa Claus (nickname given by my friend for our prof) had a very shiny bald head and a huge dent in his forehead. Haha. Went through the accounting equation.. etc. I was 10 mins late for class so when i arrived i just sat at the corner seat in the last row. Aha. It was only after 5 mins that i realized that i was sitting beside my eye candy (or ex eye candy or whatever cos she's not really my eye candy anymore hahaha and i don't have a new one-) haha how blur could i be? hmm.. well, guess its excusable cus its like Morning omg.. i've never been awake in the Morning since finals ended. Hahaha except on special days. So sure was i groggy. Okay, next part, i FORGOT her name. Couldn't congratulate myself more. Nice one Paddy, now she's gonna think you're a douchebag cus you actually had actual conversations with her before and you even know she has a boyfriend. So... you forgot her name.... okay. I need to start Remembering names SOON. Sem 2 already still behaving like a freshie hahaha can't even find water coolers ard sch (ah whatever hahaha). It's kinda nice thinking you're a freshie though.. haha everything feels so new and temporary. Haha. No idea why i like that feeling but i guess it just doesn't feel boring and mundane i guess.

So after MGA ended, me, the eye candy and two of my esl friends went for breakfast in the canteen. Was damn hungry but when i bought food i felt damn full after eating halfway. Don't know why this always happens. Haha. Anyhow, I'm just gonna refer to her as 'eye candy' although she's not my eye candy anymore cus it would just be weird if she was. Haha. Gosh, what people don't understand about an eye candy is that you don't really like them.. you just like Looking at them. Haha. Anyway, i must've been really bored to have conjured up an eye candy since i can't even remember her name much less anything else that might've been significant to know? haha. Ah whatever. She's not my eye candy anymore.

After eating, we went to my locker to drop off the ridiculously expensive MGA textbook. Followed one of my friends out for her usual smoke break. Talked about getting lucky by catching falling leaves. Talking to those guys was really entertaining. (they're all girls btw but i just refer to em as guys, aha.) Had so much time to kill that we went to popular, souperlicious, and finally settled on some benches to just nua. At 12pm, we went for ESL. Since 2 of em were in the same ESL class, eye candy and i followed em to their class to chill first while no one was inside. My class was just next door to em. Went for class shortly before it started. Found out that all of my new ESL mates were from business except for 2 lonely souls- 1 from comms and 1 from soci. Haha. For once i felt like.. boy am i not isolated anymore.. haha. In the previous sem, i was a lonely biz student. Haha. Im fine with being alone anyway.. things are a lot more efficient sometimes (:

ESL sounded stressful this sem but the class seemed to warm up to each other pretty fast. Haha. That was good i guess. Was also happy with my tutor, she seems really committed and nice (: such a rare thing to come across these days. Haha. To find someone who really believes in you. I hope i do well for ESL this sem. Last sem was a disappointing but no crying over spilt milk. Felt quite bad during ESL cus i kept forgetting people's names. We were in the same MGQ class last sem but i think i've only met em once so the names didn't quite stick. Anyhow, i felt really bad cus they just "hey paddy!"ed me enthusiastically and i just.. smiled and "what's your name again?" such an asshole. ): okay, gotta change that

Haha. After ESL we went to the canteen to snack (again) god, breaks do make you into such pigs. Haha. Got ice teh o. Felt awesome.. like caffeine flowing through my veins hahaha wtf. Okay, weird. [: went into the empty LT after that to slack with the peeps. It was quite fun cus we (okay mainly it was just me -.-) turned on music (from my iPhone yes -.--) and the mic and blasted the music in class. Haha. Doodled on the white board and played tic tac toe with Gina too. It was just.. slack. Haha. Had fun talking to her and Elaine while eye candy was out meeting her boyfieeeeee. Haha. At 330pm, Andrew Toon stepped into the room. Clean shaven, bald shiny head (again) but quite a nonchalant character, he strode to the front of the room to set up his equipment. Gina and i couldn't Accept that Andrew Toon was in fact an angmoh. Wth his name.. Andrew TOON! hahaha! anyhow, angmoh or not, mr Toon was quite good in teaching calculus. The stupid prof covered 1 out of 7 chapters of our Total syllabus for 3 months today on the 1st day of sch. It was kinda hiong. :'[ felt really tired after calc. The stuff he taught wasn't exactly easy either.. thank god i had practiced doing math in set notation last sem even when Peter Kuan said it wasn't necessary. I guess i was just used to it.. never thought it'd be the bread and butter of this sem's course or anything. Well.. a blessing in disguise (:

After MTH ended, Rachel came over to SIM! Hahaha. Surprise visit. So nice. Had a drink with her in the canteen after that and crapped some more with that girl. Funny man. Haha. Cant wait to see her again soon!!!!!!! (: left school after that and she went to the airport.

Came home, had dinner, hugged and played with my dogs, then headed to the gym. Gym was so satisfying that I'm feeling a tad bit hyper. (okay thats not the reason but yeah) Came home around 2 hours ago. Should be resting now, and i will soon since sch starts at 830am tmrw again. (and again and again) well.. so that was my day. I hope there are more days like that to come! (:

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On a side note, something less cheery, i've just realized that some people can be quite selfish and they may not even realize it. (this may include me too since I'm not perfect as well) Hmpf.. but it really makes me question the friendship and if one such one is really that worth it since they don't seem like they can sacrifice a little bit to make someone else happy. Ah this feeling's such a wet blanket since i think today was a pretty great day overall (: hmm.. i tend to believe/want to believe that there's good in every person and this is my greatest downfall/weakness in allowing myself to get hurt over nothing. Though it may be at my disadvantage for believing in people sometimes and getting hurt over what i thought was important but actually turned out to be Nothing.. I'm not gonna give up on humanity. Reading S.T.L made me realize that He wants me to give up on humans and people and now I'm surer than ever why its so hard to continue believing but why i must. Its complicated- but i don't expect you to uncomplicate things. Life's tough enough for everyone.. =/

I just hope one day that this "weakness" won't be a weakness but would turn into a strength that won't betray me. I hope i don't ever turn my back on people but this seems to be happening faster than i anticipated. Nonetheless, i will try. I do wish people would treat me better and with greater respect and see that i am a person too. Sometimes, i don't feel like i can forgive them for what they've done to me, and how they've wronged me. Time will change things. Hope one day they'll have a change of heart and when that time comes i'll have a change of heart too and forgive them for wronging me. And if i was in the wrong, i'd have the courage to admit to my mistakes and seek forgiveness. Hmm. For now, life goes on. Im quite happy when i don't care about anything. It feels good. Better than good.

SPLENDID.

Well, goodnight folks.

Carpe Diem

2012-01-12T23:54:00.002+08:00

It's time to shut em all out and focus on whatever that involves progress. I'm tired of being the middle man. It's time to give up and let live. Whatever happens, happens. Gotta start letting myself enjoy life and remove whatever that's sucking the joy outta life.

Carpe diem.

There have been days that I hoped I could rest in your arms like I used to and you'd tell me it was all going to be fine. I don't have that strength to rely on anymore.

You couldn't have been more clear about it

Laos!

2012-01-11T22:19:00.005+08:00

Laos! Just the place I need to be (:

Just arrived at Luang Prabang in Laos today and just got back from dinner. (: Its 9:22pm here now but we're already back in our hotel cos we've gotta be up early tomorrow. I didnt find out there was free internet until just only.. haha. Was just thinking ytd.. if there was free wifi or internet, i might blog.. haha. Weather's pretty chilly here.. just like in Sapa. Pretty nice.. haha. Would've been better if i had brought more warm clothes though.. haha.

We were in Vientiane yesterday. The sun was super hot, although it was quite cold. Haha. Had to bring my shades everywhere. Visited several Buddha shrines, the Victory Gate of Laos.. took loads of pictures.. haha. Used the new Nikon camera, and the pictures look fabulous.. haha. (im not complimenting my own photo taking but the effects and colour's pretty awesome (: haha.) Was a little sick but luckily due to my self medication, i feel much better today. Haha. Been reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and really thinking deeply about stuff.

Slept Really early last night for the first time in ages (about 11pm haha) and woke up at 930am today. (Laos is behind Sg by an hour) Had a funny dream. It was about the past (smth that really took place so it was sorta like a recall) but after i woke up i didnt feel any sense of nostalgia or hurt.. it was as though i had understood why things were the way they were Now. Hmm.. had some time before my flight to Luang Prabang today (cos of a delay in the flight time) so = more time to think about stuff.. haha. Felt okay with everything.. came up with a theory as to why things resulted the way they did. Came to a conclusion that i may not end up happily with anyone. Felt sad about it but you cant win a fight if you're always on the losing end. Haha. Felt sad but you knw, i'll survive somehow. S.T.L made me do some soul searching.. aha, or in a way reflect more. Such a dense book. Cant believe im still reading it after so long! haha. It's difficult to absorb.. hmm..

Anyway, we're gonna be taking a river cruise down the Mekong River tmrw.. and visit Mount Fuji in Luang Prabang. Haha im not sure if its spelt correctly.. so far the trip's been really good and its only my 2nd day here. Haha. Still have 4 more days before i return to Sg. I hope the rest of the trip's just as fulfilling as the first 2 days! ahha.

Almost came face to face with a "life or death" situation today.. hahaha. Okay im kidding. But it was really kinda dangerous.. haha. I stepped on a nail and it poked right through the sole of my shoe! hahaha it went quite deep in and thankfully it didnt poke my foot! that would've been disastrous.. ahha. Hoping to get a new pair of black converses here but if i cant then i'll just look for em in Sg. Hehe. Alright then.. better end my post here. Wanna go back to the room and rest (: it's been a long day today. (: Goodnight

"I'd wanna know if you were really hurt"

"I'm surprised you wouldn't have shot me yourself."

"I have, many times, in my dreams. Why didn't you tell me you got shot?"

"No one was coming to look for me."

Same Old Brand New Me

2012-01-09T05:03:00.000+08:00

Same Old Brand New Me

Leaving for Laos in about 16 hours time. Feeling quite excited and thrilled haha. (: Was supposed to turn in almost 3 hours ago but i ended up watching bleach again. Procrastination.. haha. hmm. Attica was awesome last night though our whole group was pretty dispersed when it got kinda packed. Hung out with Renaa and Shar at the riverside around 1030pm and had some drinks. Haha. Brought my Bacardi that had about 1/4 left of vodka and we finished it. Had to find a way to get rid of the alcohol at home.. haha. If i don't bring it to events i'll probably finish it up by myself since no one drinks at home. Haha. My liver's already pretty dead.. so haha. The wind was really strong, but i didn't feel cold even though all i wore was a wife beater and jeans.. haha. Was pretty dehydrated from drinking the previous night with Sharzee. Ahah.

Didn't talk much as usual, Renaa and Shar continued their playful banter (lol don't kill me) while i enjoyed listening.. (: drank slowly and just chilled and looked at the water.. (: it felt really relaxing and good.. haha. After awhile, Charlotte came ter meet us but didn't drink. Haha. Was really hoping that she could help us finish the bottle cus both of us were hungover from the previous night's session after having had one jug of Bourbon Coke and one beer tower together. Haha. It felt really awesome but i ended up puking. Haha. It felt horrible. Haha. Hadn't puked since Charis's christmas party in 2010 so i got reminded of how horrible it feels haha. It wasn't that bad though, after i got it out of my system i was pretty alright enough to get into a cab and go home. Haha. The hard part was hiding it from my mom. Haha. Dashed straight into my room after bathing.. (which was ard 5am) and stayed in there till 12pm the "next day". Haha. These days its sorta become a habit to brood alone in my room until 4pm everyday with the curtains pulled shut and just.. silence. Haha. I guess i didn't realize that it was "brooding" until my mom asked me if i was okay. Haaha. I guess it just felt better in there. In the dark and all. It felt safe. Haha.

Anyhow, i kinda digressed from Attica.. haha. Attica was good. Downed several more drinks at the club.. taking it light after the previous episode of puking and a hangover. Haha. The R&B was great but it was really packed.. to make things worse, it rained! haha. Spoiled the mood! haha. Left Attica at ard 5am and had breakfast with them 3. Talked about silly stuff again. Came home, bathed and crashed till 2pm today. Haha. My life sounds pretty good huh.. haha. Partying so much these days that i don't even do anything productive anymore.. haha. A slacker's life.

I think I'm turning into a bat. Haha. Or owl. Whatever my mom calls it. Haha. "turning night into day".. yeah, its kinda true.. haha. =/ its 4:33am now. And I'm exhausted but i can't fall asleep. Okay.. aha that's not a fair statement.. i think its more that i didn't let myself sleep. Don't know what I'm doing sometimes. Haha. Anyhow, woke up at 2pm today, did some calculus.. felt tired after calculus.. and got ready to meet Zhu and Zhiqi for dinner at Katong. Haha. Gonna miss Zhiqi. She'll be back in July which is 6 months time ): so long.. hmm.. Met em at 7pm at Everything With Fries and talked. Haha. Was quite quiet (quieter than usual) cus was feeling quite exhausted aha (with the hectic lifestyle). Zhiqi was her usual loud self and Zhu was the same too. Haha. Created twitter for Zhiqi and called her DoubleD Zhiqi. Haha. She's owning it already. Haha. Dinner was great. Zhu left early to head back to NUS whilst Zhiqi and i walked ard. She got durian puffs from the famous Puteri Durian Puffs at Katong! and we continued to talk crap. Got to know her a lot better after JC cus there was more time aha and I'm really glad i got to know her better.. (: she's really nice (: bought contacts eye drops and then we walked to PP. Got drinks from starbucks and carls junior respectively, and chilled outside PP for awhile.. Talked about deeper stuff. Haha. Talking to people about stuff that used to hurt me a lot has made me realize that I'm past it now.. i no longer care. Talked about new year resolutions, and i didn't realize until now how empathetic Zhiqi is. Haha. It felt good feeling like someone could share my pain.

It got me thinking.. all this time i felt alone in my pain because i just didn't acknowledge the people who wanted to help. It feels all better now when i allow them to share my pain.. (: i don't feel like i did.. alone. Sometimes i still feel alone, i guess its just not as often anymore. Haha. My friends can tell that i am still/was very attached to you (S) cus of how much i cared about you. However, from 2011 i learned that sometimes its better not to care. If you leave and they come running after you, you'll know that you mean something to them that they can't afford to lose. If they let you walk though, you are way better off. And i know i am. We talked about sacrifice.. and looking back i can't believe i made you a part of my future. Sometimes when i remember, it stings. That you were such a big part of my life and you just told me that i wasn't the same person you fell in love with. And that you didn't like me as much anymore because i had changed from the person you first met. Im sorry. Haha. But how can we all stay the same? i got hurt before i met you. And that hurt changed me. It's silly that i thought you could've loved me despite Anything. Anything. I trusted you. I trusted the wrong person. It sucks that you're gonna remain a big part of me because of how long we've actually been together and what we went through together but I'm gonna try my best and forget about it. Forgetting about you will probably be one of the good things I'm doing for Me. I've done enough for you, now its time to think about me. You're not worth it. Haha. What was i thinking when i thought that i'd finally found a relationship that could last?

I guess parts of me still feels pain sometimes. But its getting better. Every, day. (:

So i'll end this post with my new year resolutions. I hardly have any so when i do, i guess its gotta be serious. (:

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS 2012!

1. be careful of who you open your heart to

2. sleep earlier!!! **

3. carpe diem

4. don't work so hard to keep things alive when other people are not trying (friendships/relationships/family)

5. be more light hearted

6. be happy (haha i really want this)

7. forget

8. be less angsty (haha i realized I'm been teeming with angst)

9. give myself a break from exhausting things

10. BE HAPPY

11. be open to change, accept it, learn to like it

12. forget about people who don't cherish you

Hmm. That's about it (:

I better head to bed already. It's 5am haha. My throat's really bad from all the drinking and i can't really breathe cus my throat's really sensitive right now. Haha. It's been a good first week of Jan. I hope the rest of the year can stay this way! gonna try not to let anything affect me and get me down because i deserve to be happy this year (:

Goodnight readers (:

FOOL

2012-01-06T02:00:00.000+08:00

FOOL.

I can foretell that this is gonna be one sad post.

I know people won't understand, why, and why now, right? Truth is, i really want a new start. Start in terms of everything. Im not looking/wasn't looking for someone to get me through the night. That would be a waste. Im not that sort. You probably think you were just a rebound. Haha. It doesn't really matter if you think that or not. But maybe, i'd rather you think that way now.

I was happy you liked me. Can we even call it 'like' ? haha anyway, nvm.. what matters now is that nothing matters anymore because you chose to judge me by listening to someone else. Haha. What i am, what I'm doing, how i am, but you know what? it doesn't even matter what you think because you're just going to think that i was using you to get over her. Haha. Yeah... that's not even the case because now that you're gone I'm getting over her faster than ever. I never relied on You to move on from her. You just helped by giving me that little push that i needed.

Sometimes, i don't feel comfortable because i don't even think my friends would understand. They make me feel like they don't understand. They don't understand why i liked you, nor what i saw in you. Yeah.. maybe cus it was all on a more personal level; one that struck the heart. Anyhow, i was a FOOL. Something I'm not going to be again. Who were we kidding, seriously? ha. That we could work? Yeah sure, you listened to someone closer to you. Compared to someone you've just known for a month? of course. I would too. But it also shows that our connection wasn't that strong after all. Anyhow, it shows that you didn't trust me. And if i remembered correctly, nothing ever good and promising comes out of something that isn't built on trust. So there you have it. The end before the beginning.

I dont deny i was upset, disappointed, resigned, hurt at first. But now that time is passing us by, the wounds are healing and i can rest assured that i know you're gonna do just fine. And i know i will be too. Cause as of now, 'us' or whatever it was doesn't seem to be something i can let myself feel hurt over anymore.

2012's gonna be just the way i expect it to be. Its gonna be filled with potential, happiness and fulfillment because I'm expecting nothing from it. And yknw, when you expect nothing, you get gold.

The 3rd!

2012-01-04T02:00:00.007+08:00

The 3rd

Only the 3rd day and 2012 is already beginning to make a comeback. (:

Haven't felt this happy and burden less in a long time. Nothing on my mind to drag me down.

Where did i attain this new found idealism? haha.

Been sleeping earlier recently, after pulling an all-nighter on 31st dec. Haha. Im glad that I'm finally starting to sleep.. the insomnia was starting to freak me out and 2 months of extreme insomnia could really affect me.. so yeah, haha. Okay, i know its kinda late, but i just had to blog today. Hehe.

Woke up late today but mom was nice enough to drop me at Kallang.. haha. Haven't been in the car with her for awhile now that i've gotten my license. Met Zhujun at 1pm outside FilmGarde and we went to Nihon Mura for lunch. Haha. Both of us were having serious cravings for Jap food! haha. (: however, once we decided to eat, i found myself unusually not as hungry as i thought i'd be.. haha. All the exercise has been causing me to have less of an appetite i think.. haha. Quite strange. Talked about JC, people we used to be close to, and our current lives. Haha. Really glad that we're closer now. I really like her company (; aha. We're meeting tmrw again for kayaking at Lower Seletar Reservoir. She's coming over tomorrow morning.

After having our usual selection of Jap food for lunch, we went to the ice skating ring. Haha. I learned that having an SIM student pass is perpetually useless since SIM students are hardly entitled to any student discounts.. it's kinda unfair =/ its time to dig out my old blue secondary sch ez link card and put on the face of a 16 year old. Haha. Wait, i have that on me daily already. Sometimes, its good to be young (: haha.. so she got the student discount while i had to pay the adult price.. haha. Luckily it wasn't much of a difference so it was still alright (: haha. What happened next was really epic. After keeping our receipts and stuff, we looked for the entrance and she tried to pull open this glass door. Haha, after failing once, she looked over and me and beckoned me to pull it open since she couldn't. Naturally i reached out and grabbed the handle and pulled gently.. (okay I'm not that rough okay haha) and i couldn't pull it open either as i wasn't using a lot of force to Yank the door open haha.. all this while, we were still kinda fascinated as to whether the entrance we were at was the real door since there were a few along the corridor. Haha. Just then, the grumpy cashier just bellowed at us "PULL IT OPEN" haha. Both of us were literally shocked/startled/agitated that we simply did as we were told but immediately burst into laughter once we were inside. Haha. I guess it was just one of those awkward moments.. haha. I still feel funny when i think about it now.. haha. That grumpy lady kept giving us the attitude before that when we were enquiring abt the prices/timing and such. Haha. Guess it'll probably be more of an inside joke from now on.. don't think it sounds very funny when i type about it. Haha.

After picking up our skates, we approached the lockers to keep our stuff. The first locker we went to was #33 and Zhu was kinda excited cos it was the same no of our JC class, 3309. Haha. After happily placing our stuff in the locker, we closed the door only to realize that there was no lock, or key. Haha. Guess we were so excited that we were blind.. hahaha. Moved our stuff to another locker instead and wore on our skates. Haha. I was really excited since i had been wanting to skate since August but didn't have the chance to with school and Finals and everything. Haha. The last time i had ice skated was when i was 5. Haha. And i hadn't bladed since primary school, so i was pretty sure that i was in for a fall the moment i stepped on the ice. Haha. The ring looked a lot smaller than all those years ago (haha yeah duh) but the generally shape looked the same.. Haha. After skating by the side of the ring for half a round, we decided to stop being scaredy cats. Hahaha. Okay la, we weren't scared, we just needed to balance ourselves. Haha. So we started skating together and held hands for balance. It was so much better! haha we could actually move pretty fast, and we just kept going round and round.. haha. I wish the ring was bigger ):

It was really fun (: Zhu wanted to use the little kids metal frame for support but i told her to just steal it from them hahaha. Okay, I'm not so bad (: i was just kidding (: haha. The ice skating ring played really nice music too! hahaha. It felt really good skating.. i forgot how much i enjoyed it! haha. I kept talking about how i used to be afraid of putting my hands on the ice cos when someone skated by he might slice off my finger. Haha. Lols. Zhu kept squirming everytime i mentioned the blood part, where all the blood would shoot out of my finger and paint the barriers. Haha. Okay, not so dramatic. Lol. We talked about the weirdest stuff that people skating together would talk about, like school, people in our lives, what we liked doing.. but it felt good. (: for once in a long time, i felt free and really happy.. that kind of happy when I'm playing badminton and i don't think about Anything that's making me unhappy. Haha. In short, it felt marvelous. (:

We met Grace in the ring and took some pictures together with her. Haha. Caught up a little. She was with her other friends. Then we went on skating round and round again.. haha. Some girl kept taking photos of us with her fancy DSLR. Haha. Not sure why! but it sure felt funny not being the paparazzi for the first time but being the subject of the paparazzi instead. Haha. :P skating sure is tiring! haha. I didn't feel cold at all, in fact, i felt hot! haha. Maybe i shouldn't even have worn a cardigan.. haha. Left at 4 to catch our movie. Zhu got nachos and was ecstatic when they gave her so much cheese for the nachos. Haha. I was pretty shocked at the amount of cheese they gave her too. Zhiqi would be crazy over the cheese if she waswith us. Haha. Crazy cheese maniacs. Haha.

Went into the cinema early and started singing to the songs they were playing. Haha. "Move like Jagger", "Telephone", "If You're Not The One" (love that song btw (: ) haha. Just felt really comfortable with her and really.. hmm.. positive. Haha. I guess that's good right? hmm.. decided to do smth stupid since the cinema was totally empty except for a couple behind probably too interested in themselves to care about us. Haha. Ran in front and lay on all the chairs like they were my own and hid myself exposing a little for the camera so ppl could play "spot the paddy". Haha. So lame. Well, i have my moments. Haha. (a lot) came back up and the commercials started. Nommed on the nachos like they were the best things on earth (haha hungry after skating) and then Zhu spilled the whole box of cheese on her cardigan/shorts. Haha. And there goes our nice warm cheese. On her leg. Since i wasn't prepared to dip the remaining of her nachos on her leg, (not that she was willing to either) i guess we wiped it up but damn! it was so wasted ): after that, we moved seats and the cheese was already cold.. ): haha. Funny how we were so happy to enjoy that much cheese with all our nachos and then have it taken away like that. Haha. Okay i sound like I'm talking about my break up with cheese. Haha.

Caught We Bought A Zoo and it was so good (: (: whoever hasn't seen it really has to watch it! it was so heartbreaking at parts but so lovely too.. (: Scarlett Johansson who's usually a hot babe is now playing the role of a zookeeper (okay who's still a hot babe) and Matt Damon who's usually in shows like Bourne Identity as an assassin or Oceans 11/12/13 as an unconfident lad is now a freaking awesome confident assertive dad. 180 degree change or what. Haha. Anyways, a really good show (:

After the movie ended, we decided to go to town. Took the Circle Line to Dhoby and saw an Undesirable No 1 there. Haha. Okay no more Harry Potter references.. haha. Guess we were both pretty annoyed with that someone who plays with people's feelings as though it were a sport. Anyhow, decided on several dinner places, only to end up at several Fred Perry shops instead looking for a present for her dad's birthday. Haha. Such a cool dad. Getting Fred Perry stuff. Haha. My dad would probably never spend more than 5 mins in a Fred Perry shop after looking at the delicate price tags that could cut out your heart if you decided to stay on longer in the shop and allow your heart to become attached to those, wonderful, perfect goods. Haha. Eventually after we walked from Dhoby to Knightsbridge, to Cine, then back to Ion, we Finally settled on a nice polo tee for him. Haha. My feet were killing me from all that walking after skating round and round that ice ring. Haha. I am so weak now. Lol. Also, it was like a work out walking with Zhu sinceshe walks like she's running or smth. Haha. Where you going dude? why so fast? relax.. haha. I can't walk quickly for the life of me. I look like a chicken when i attempt to walk fast. Haha. My legs aint built for quickness man. Haha. I don't know how I'm fast when i play badminton or basketball in court but that's a different story. Haha. I just like to stroll when I'm walking. And Zhu unconsciously made me huff and puff while i walked beside her. LOL.

Talked more nonsense on the way around Orchard and had a great many laughs.. haha. Left at around 10pm and walked her to the bus stop before leaving for my own. Haha. Convinced her not to take the train but to take the bus with me haha but anyway we realized that our bus stops were different =/ haha. Had a good day overall and we're meeting in 6 hours again!! driving us both to Seletar and then she's gonna accompany me to see my world at SIM. Haha. Gotta submit my A level cert again cos now I'm in a freeze and the student helpdesk claims that i didn't submit my documents when applying for UB. Doesn't make any sense at all right? how can i be accepted without proving that i qualify in the first place? so I'm gonna clear that up with em tmrw. Haha, hope everything goes without a hitch and all my mods aren't changed or anything (: hmm.. okay, its so late already. 3am!!!

Guess i better turn in now although i feel like ending the day (or rather night) with some anime.. bleach to be precise. Haha. That show is the ultimate retarded shit man. Lol. Okay (: Goodnight readers! (:

2012.

Not so bad (:

"You're sexy and you know it but your BLACK"

hahaha

whoo hoo skating baby~!

spot the paddy? yeah, so obvious!!

OH WHY HELLO THERE (:

Chasing Rainbows

2011-12-30T02:36:00.000+08:00

Chasing Rainbows

Two more days before 2011's up. The last few days have been eye-opening, and i've learnt a lot from recent trials. Im not going to miss 2011. Maybe bits of it, but overall I'm still glad that this crap of a year has come to a final end. Haha. I thought things had changed for the better, but i guess people don't always find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Guess this year marked the end of several things.

First being my relationship with S.

Second, certain friendships that have failed miserably.

Third, my uncaring nature towards ___ that has nurtured itself over the year.

Fourth, my uncertain future since the release of the A Level results.

Fifth, well, I'm not even sure if it counts since the thought of you and me makes me feel pathetic.

Im going to start 2012 with a clean slate. Im sure of it now that i will only be taking the people who treasure me properly, to the upcoming year. You know, it was a mistake to think that after S no one else could come into my life and mess me up bad enough, but i guess you did. And i was a fool to trust that you wouldn't. There was such "sincerity" in what you said to me that i stupidly believed you. Yeah, how stupid..

Anyway, i tried my best. Tried my best to understand how you were feeling, to talk to you, to make time for you and so on. I've had it. I don't understand why you're doing what you're doing but i see now that i don't have to have a reason to understand your rationale. Maybe you don't have one. Anyway, considering my battered heart and the condition its still in, that was the best that i could do. You knew how i felt, where i was hurting and yet.. hmm. I should just try to forget it because it's just not going to do me any good lugging this onto 2012.

I didn't mean as much to you as you claimed.

Goodnight, and this 2012 i'll be making a change no one would ever expect.

You Had To Spoil Everything.

2011-12-24T04:45:00.002+08:00

I had a Really Great Night and you just had to spoil it all for me. Thank you for failing to be understanding, again. Really, couldn't ask for anything more from youuuuu.

You have to destroy everything with your touch huh?

All i did was ask a question. And that's hellava problem for you aye? Just what The Fuck do you want from me. Im just fucking here to quench your loneliness right? A God Damn Fucking THING that's here for you. I don't even know if words can Begin to describe what on earth i am to you. You don't even Fucking respect me, and still i fucking try. This world is just so fucked up.

You have no idea how angry i am.

How angry i've been for the past few months. Years.

I was going to go up, take a damn shower, and fall asleep with happy thoughts tonight because i felt really good about today on the whole. Do you know how rare it is to have a happy day with nothing at all to steal away your happiness. Couldn't you let me relish it? Just for the night at least? You are so selfish. I put up with your crap every other day. You only think of what you need for yourself. Do you think i even wanna have to shuffle back and forth at THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT just to keep you company. Do you think i do not want to have a NORMAL LIFE without having to feel like every place i go to is only going to be a temporary shelter for the night? Can you even Begin to fathom how this feels?

Im taking the effort to come and see you even at this hour of the night and you still find it somewhere inside you to reply me in such a fucking disrespectful way. Probably going to sleep when the sun rises again cus my mind's full of shit now and i don't even feel tired anymore. Someone Has to teach you how to fucking care for others and appeal to your weak emotional intelligence. You've just gone to sleep and im here, grimy sweaty and dirty and I'm just in the mood to fucking scream my lungs out or kick something really hard. But as usual, on the surface i just look calm and collected.

I can't say anymore.

I fucking hate you and everything about you. The part that feels the best is that I'm not afraid to show other people that i fucking hate you. Just watch for my tone towards you and you'll know. Bet you do already but i haven't fucking cared for years since you're the same fucking asshole since i was fucking born.

There are so many things wrong with your approach towards everything and i hate you controlling me. Its not that kind of protective shit, its like: seeing things your way and every other way is considered wrong.

Things worsened in JC when both of you didn't support me when it came to Mrs Goh and her Fucking politics and unfairness. You've no idea how much it hurt me and how helpless i felt through it all.

I just don't want to talk about anything with you anymore because, let's face it, you both can't be trusted. I have to fight for everything alone. There's no back up, no support from you so what's all this crap that you're saying, about? huh?

If there's anything that i want here, now, it'd be a stable life with income of my own, a stable career, goal oriented life and a great girl that i'd need in my life. Im so tired of trying to fix SHIT that's not even Worth fighting for. You are a fucking heartless person. Seriously don't even know why i try.

Why why why why why why why why do i even try.

So tired and yet not tired at all. Im beginning to think the insomnia is never gonna go away.

How Can I Stop All This

2011-12-23T07:02:00.001+08:00

How Can I Stop All This

I still care enough to hate you. Sometimes, when i get really down and Remember; what it felt like-

I know no matter what happens i don't ever wanna be back there with you again. I remember wanting to die, literally ripping my heart out, seeing absolutely No trace of meaning in life and.. yeah. Wanting to Die so badly. For those of you who haven't seen me suicidal, its really not a pretty sight. Im better now, i have created Limits for myself. Limits- an oh so IMPORTANT life saver.

I remember telling you i wanted to die and i remember you telling me.. Nothing. Silence. It wasn't about getting you back. It was about you caring enough to just come near enough to embrace me because i just needed someone to understand how it felt like; the greatest irony was of course, turning to the one who was killing me, for comfort and endearment. I probably shouldn't have expected much. It still hurts like hell when i remember the exact moments. Which happens about 0.005% of the time since i make such an effort to forget every single thing to do with you. When i see places that remind me of you, i turn away, completely caring about nothing else but the objective of forgetting you and anything that was once happy. I do not want to miss you. At first, i was probably turning away in different directions every 10 seconds in the passenger seat in my parents' cars.. That was how much every damn thing reminded me of you. It was Living torture in my mind. A torture to live. I still turn away whenever i pass anything that reminds me of you. Out of sight, out of mind. You are slowly but surely becoming nothing to me. Im quite happy that its happening. Its better. I rather you be nothing than what you are to me now. I rather have nothing. 'Nothing' is better than having you in my life but killing me without even coming 10 metres near to me. I was like a prisoner of your love. Or hate. Or whatever it is that's connecting us both. I don't even want to know anymore.

Sometimes when i really dissect everything slowly in my mind, it hurts me enough that it makes it hard to breathe. I guess its normal to feel hurt sometimes.. that's why i think its okay to allow myself to feel everything rather than to lock them away deep in a chest thats buried at the bottom of the deepest end of the ocean, much like what i've been doing for.. awhile. I haven't cried for ages over you but maybe its time to let it out. Im feeling particularly in pain tonight and maybe i might just shed a tear. Hmm. It's like a battle between the mind and the heart. My heart is in agony tonight, but my mind's telling me that it isn't worth crying over. Therefore, no tears.

I just hope the day comes SOON that i don't care enough to even hate you, cos then i'll really know that everything is over. And i won't have this thing constantly tailing me, cos sometimes, it gets so, damn, tiring. I just want to go somewhere far far away knowing that you won't be there in every picture, fragrance, taste of sustenance, colour, sound, feeling, laughter, shape, font.. and the list goes on. I am so tired of dying. It hurts.

How Can This Love Be a Good Thing?

2011-12-23T05:30:00.004+08:00

How Can This Love Be a Good Thing?

Prepping for my Xmas party sure was exhausting, but it was worth the time and effort.

Gladys came over to help me cook ard 6pm today and she was really a ball of fun.. haha. (: We had different styles of cooking pasta but we managed to work together efficiently and well (: haha. It was really fun and distracted me from everything that was bothering me earlier. Haha. Crapped around, talked rubbish (again) haha and she kept calling me retarded and funny. Haha. Maybe it had smth to do with all my peculiar habits.. haha. Nonsense that i do on a daily basis to amuse myself since life's such a boring place. Haha. Lol.

We were panicking a little because we were afraid that there might not be enough gas to cook as the fire was going so slowly.. haha. I had so much stuff to do, and she really helped to take a load of my shoulders today (: she was really god-sent.. haha. With the amount of things i had to do on my own, i almost exploded. Haha. Clara, Grace, Shu Xian, Jian Wei, Zhu Jun, Velda and Zhiqi arrived soon after. Haha. They helped me with decor (yes haha last minute) and to unpack and set up. I was nervous that things wouldn't go well and that it'd be weird as the UB people wouldn't be able to gel with the TJ/NUS friends haha, but as usual, i was worrying too much. Haha. Things were fine! and after awhile, both sides gelled more (: Haha. After awhile, Johan and Gen arrived. Intro-ed everybody again and then we settled down to eat.. haha. Soon after, Meizhen came, Tiffy, Qing, and Edna joined too. Then Rachel and Ann came. With everything making me feel uncomfortable put aside, i did my best to enjoy the night for what it was and to face 'whatever' later. Amidst the laughter and jokes, i lost myself in the joy and excitement and soon felt happy again (:

Joyce and Joel came after i sent Zhiqi, Meizhen and the UB people off. Haven't seen her since Tiff's birthday celebration this year (: Decided to go to Play with Tiff, Qing, Edna, Joyce and Joel since they invited me along. Cleaned up the house around 1130, and headed off to Play at 12 after sending Ann, Velda, Zhujun and Rachel out. Joyce drove us, and whoa is she a fast and reckless driver. Haha. Her parents bought her a car. Volkswagen too.. super suave. Haha. The accelerator sounded really good too. Haha. Nice sports car (: Once we reached maxwell, we went to queue up to enter Play. Wasn't sure if i could sign Joel in since i didn't even collect my membership card after a year. Haha. Play's so lame on things like that. Haha. Anyway, i managed to sign him in the end cos they had a record of me being a member in their laptop but they didn't have my membership card.. haha. (well its easier that way ahha i prefer not having a card actually) The music at Play was good tonight! haha. I only went to Play with em actually cos i wanted to hang out with em.. not cos i enjoy Play's club atmos. Hehe. Haha. Bumped into a few of her butch friends and ignored them cus it was kinda weird since they knew we broke up alr. I never liked them anyway.. i only tried being acquaintances with em since they meant smth to her. Haha, on my own, i'd never wanna get to know them.

With that aside, my fatigue was kind of a wet blanket tonight. My legs felt tired although i bought two red bulls before entering Play, mind just was zonked out, and just basically felt tired from all the planning for my party. Haha. But lucky the music was good.. it cheered me up a lot (: haha. We got a jug of Long Island Ice Tea and Redbull Vodka. Haha. The latter was really sick and clubs really know ter burn a hole in one's pocket. Haha. Met Turaiya again.. and saw a lot of familiar faces. Haha. There were a lot of cute butches tonight.. haha (; had a nice time looking at all of em and taking in their appearance.. haha. (lols its been awhile since i've seen so many lesbians congregated in one tiny space. Haha. In the real world, they are sparse sparse vegetation that probably resembles life in the desert. Haha.) There were a truckload of cute femmes too.. (: haha

Anyhow, Play's still a club for couples ta hang out. Haha. So many couples in love were smooching, grinding lower and lower that i wasn't surprised if they'd grind each other until they reached the subway level. Haha. Okay, that was really lame.. haha. Okay, not that i felt particularly uncomfortable, it just got to the point that everywhere i turned it'd be just couple after couple that i felt like.. "oh god, get a room already.. you're making it hard for us single people to mingle and have fun without wanting to look hahah" anyhow, we left Play at 330 and Joyce sent me home. Haha. Had a sorta heavy conversation in the car after she dropped Qing home. It wasn't what i wanted to talk about cus that meant having to think about the past. Hmm but i couldn't really say no or shut her out as it'd be impolite so i quietly replied her when she asked about things between me and __. Seems like she bumped into her a bit here and there and i was surprised even she could tell ____'s company was bad now. Hmmm. Didn't really linger much on it cus i just feel like everything is over for me. And finally. It's none of my business. So i told her how i felt about stuff since she seemed interested and what my current take on it was.. She listened without judgment. (or at least thats what i thought) It actually felt pretty good.. being able to talk about it without the feeling of having to back up my theories or prove anything.

She said "Yeah you guys were together for a really long time" when i said how "it still stings once in awhile although i know its better this way.. i know i want nothing to do with whatever that hurts me. It still hurts me but its loads better now. Im not going back to whatever it was. I can't." that conversation with her in the car made me realize how realistically i was dealing with them (feelings) tonight. Objective, unemotional, and best of all, i could talk about it in the third person. Somehow i think talking about things in the third person signals 'letting go'. Its like when you can finally look back on things and see how and why they went wrong and yet be okay with it since you already knew nothing was going to make it better.

Haha. Its 6:24am now. I got home at about 4. Haha probably not sleeping tonight. Had 3 cans of red bull in the last 6 hours so i should be fine today. Haha. Im gonna blog another one soon. Right after this.

Tis' The Season To Be Jolly

2011-12-21T23:59:00.001+08:00

Tis' The Season To Be Jolly

Saturday

Met Renaa at 1pm at Plaza Sing today to get christmas decor for my Xmas party next Thurs!

Had pontian wanton mee from the food court and engaged in a spirited exchange of views on books/the weather/movies and other strange stuff. Haha. It was one of the few times this year where i really felt like there was nothing to worry about except for the color/texture of tinsel, types of candles, and other little decorations that i was about to get. Once again, it was Christmas.

Haha. So i decided to blog about today cus Renaa said i should blog more. (Yes, you pwincess. If you're reading this right now. Haha)

The strange thing about having all those plans, was that i didn't really give em much thought. It was all a sketch in my head. And Renaa was just the person to provide me with a grounded Starting Point (oh yes it was that significant, haha). After lunch, we made our way to Daiso to look at some christmas stuff. Haha. I learnt that what was browsing to me, was aimless walking to her. Haha. I was trying to picture what i'd need for the party, and how to hang what where in respective places of the house. Haha. Perhaps she didn't know i was thinking of that. It's a possibility.. haha.

From trying on silly christmas hats, to coiling christmas tinsel round my neck as though it were a scarf, to calling Santa the Merry Christmas Man, it was by far my silliest episode of nonsense this Christmas. Haha. Alright, thinking back, it wasn't all hyped up and everything, but it just felt funny this afternoon. Haha. After making fun of the stuff at Daiso, we finally settled on getting three types of tinsel: gold, silver and the blue one with hearts haha. And a glass sticker of a snowman with a christmas tree. Haaha. Man, remembering what shit i said this afternoon at Daiso makes me feel like someone weird. Haha. We even saw macaroon candles! they really looked like macaroons though it was a little odd to see a wig sticking out at the top. Lol.

Had to make a trip into the puzzle shop to look for the Wallé puzzle that i've been wanting since the start of the year but they didn't have it again. Haha. Maybe they'll never have Wallé puzzles. That's really kinda sad though.. i thought Wallé was so cute ):

Went to get water with Royal then headed over to Gong Cha in the pouring rain to get her Milk Tea! hahaha. Spent about an hour there chilling and talking about everything under the sun.. it felt really good (: the rain was so heavy that i had to shout super loudly so she could hear me, haha. Royal was really freaked out by this scary old lady. At first, we thought she was a little screw loose, but then after that i think i realized that it might've just been Renaa's influence of horror stories on me. Hahaha. I felt really creeped out by that lady, especially when we made eye contact. Hahaha. I remember thinking, "Its over. She's walking here. Probably about to whip out her kitchen knife, abusively gorge out my heart and start chomping on it with her teeth. Hahaha." What vivid imagination thanks to Cheebs. Haha. (man, all these thoughts you're putting into my HEAD!) Time passed, raindrops fell, and the scary old lady continued to linger around. Her existence growing increasingly important (cos she was freaking us out) and the seconds ticked away. Hahahaha. I wondered why she wouldn't just leave. Her lingering around meant that she'd still have the opportunity to freak us out. Haha.

Around 4pm, the rain stopped and we decided to head over to Chinatown! Spent awhile looking for SKP. Continued talking nonsense about everything we saw and it was really entertaining. Bought cups, plates, a christmas banner, and christmas wrapping paper! Decided to grab dinner after that with her and we had super delicious hokkien mee from the hawker centre. Haha. After that, we walked to the bus stop together as we were going in the same direction. Decided to make a pit stop at the street food stalls to buy tu tu kueh (omg :D) hahaha and that crazy girl insisted that the flour coating the outside of the tu tu kueh was in fact coconut. Hahaha. After that, she thought of being clever by daring me to ask the auntie selling "madeileine's Portuguese egg tarts", "hey madeleine, how are your egg tarts today?" haha full of nonsense. :P

By the time we left Chinatown, it was about 645. We continued to talk rubbish like running towards falling buildings, breaking watermelons, gargoyles on a building coming to life at night, the structure on top of MBS becoming a ship when sg floods. Basically, but the end of the evening my imagination had been seriously unleashed. Hahaha. Headed home and had a good rest. It was such an exhausting day traveling around getting things done, but the company was superb. (:

Sunday

Zhujun and i were about to head off to Sentosa when the rain began to drench everything in sight. Felt kinda bummed, as i had looked forward so long to the weekend after exams to be spent under the hot sun, sipping gin and whiskey. (haha I'm kidding about the gin and whiskey) Haha. Luckily for us, we quickly made alternative plans to catch Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol at Katong112. (: Met her at 1230pm at had lunch at Nee Kam Kee chicken rice at Food Republic. The queue was really long but the wait was worth it. Haha. Totally stretched my money's worth.. (:

After lunch we headed straight to the cinema for MI. It was kinda funny cus both of us were isolated from everyone else cos the spaces beside us were meant for the handicapped in wheelchairs. Haha. The cinema was also like the North Pole. I was wearing a vest and was still freezing my ass off, hahaha. Overall, the movie was great! haha. It contained elements of comedy and a tinge of nostalgia from the previous MIs while creating a whole new perspective of MI for me. It was less serious than the original movie but more serious than the last one (MI3). Overall, i felt it was well balanced and not a screw up like the other movie trios. Haha.

After the movie, Zhujun and i decided to get a christmas tree for my house since my mom threw the old one away. Haha. Just when we stepped out of Katong112, it began to rain even more heavily.. so we were forced to buy an umbrella so we could get to PP without getting totally wet, haha. When we stepped into Watsons, guess who we met! Annmarie (: haha. I really missed her a lot since i hadn't seen her for so long.. haha. Hugged, took a few photos and left for PP with Zhu.

Christmas shopping makes one broke. Haha. Got some stuff i needed, as well as the tree. We left NTUC feeling a little poorer.. our poor wallets. Haha. Had fun with Zhujun.. (: it was the first time we actually went out and spent an entire day alone i realized! usually we're with Ann too.. haha. Set up the Christmas decor at home and Zhu had great ideas haha. (: Had fun putting up stuff with her. Its the first time I'm decorating my home with a friend. Haha. Spent the rest of the day+night nua-ing and watching tv. (: Had some vodka sprite with her while watching tv, then sent her home at 11. Haha.

Thursday: Today

Woke up around 1, slacked around and had an overall rested day. (: Went for drums lesson at 545pm, and felt horrible afterwards. Learnt how to play 'Billie Jean' by Michael Jackson today.. and felt really demoralized and like a let down. Felt i wasn't good enough. Hmm.. the probability of that last one's about 1. Patrick kept sounding disappointed in me. Perhaps i deserved it.

Went in to the music store after class today. Checked out some of Enrique Iglesias hits. Really love his voice haha. (: Left after awhile and got on the crowded bus heading East. By the time i alighted the bus and reached home, it was nearly 8.. haha. The time i told Celine that i'd be at the chalet. Oh wells.. haha. They wouldn't mind if i was late anw. Haha. Shifted the furniture at home and set up the stuff for tmrw (: Planned my route from home to Costa Sands before heading off. Its actually quite scary to drive somewhere completely "new" by yourself. Haha. You've gotta figure everything out on your own, and even if you get lost you somehow haveta get yourself home in one piece. Haha.

Reached Costa Sands at around 9pm, and met Stacey and Marcus. Missed both of them (: haha. Imagine, we used to see each other 3 times a week! haha. Hmm. The chalet was really dead. Only Stacey, Mong, Jia Hao, Marcus, Sebastian, Ming Rui, Celine, Bryan and Gareth were there. Haha. In fact, when i arrived, only 5 were there as the rest had gone out. Haha. Watched my juniors play hearts, and we laughed while watching this really silly japanese show. Haha. They had to walk across life sized dominos (that were padded all over) to reach the other end of the "bridge". Haha. It was really hilarious.. haha. Gotta trust the Japs to think of such things.. haha.

Mong helped me buy dinner! haha. Hadn't eaten the entire day ): ahah. During dinner, we had our usual chat that used to take place during trngs during our breaks between matches.. haha. I kinda miss that. Haha. She updated me about stuff.. and I'm Really glad that things are better now. Haha. Took her quite long to realize the truth about __ all along, but I'm glad at least she's put a stop to all of it now. It was no point to drag the horse to the water as it refused to drink. She had ta see and feel things for herself, and I'm really glad she's wiser now (; hmm..

After walking her out, i went back to the chalet to play deal with Stacey and Jia Hao. Haha. Damn, my juniors are getting cuter as the days go by. I still remembered them when they were J1.. haha. They're all grown up now (: Left around 1230, sent Marcus and Stacey home.. (:

Haha. Im all excited for my Xmas party tmrw!!!! (: first time I'm actually having a party and it makes this christmas season even better (: haha. Okay goodnight (: gonna end this post. MERRY CHRISTMAS IN ADVANCE PEOPLE!

The list

2011-12-10T19:20:00.004+08:00

Inbetween Waking and Sleep

6 more days till finals are over. Already shivering with excitement.. haha.

Cant wait to meet my girls soon (: -Zhujun and Annmarie..

Haven't seen you guys since 17 Nov! =/

Cant wait to meet Cherie and Sandy too.. and Judith.. haha so many people.

Really can't hold back my excitement already (:

Was thinking randomly bout stuff the other day and i decided to make a list of the qualities i would like in someone i like. Lol it was Really random but i thought it'd be fun.. haha

Here goes! (;

List of Redeeming Qualities hahaha

1. Has a sense of humor

2. Deep

3. Patient

4. Understanding

5. Has a nice smile that's simply irresistible.. whoa.. hahaha!

Im surprising myself here!!! LOL

Never really did this before and it feels kinda weird but whatever yada yada yada.

6. Has a chill aura, but also knows when to pick up the speed

7. Attractive

Okay this is actually making me think about what i'd prefer in people.. haha. Or what draws me.. 0.0

8. Smells good (nice?)

9. Decent appearance

10. Extroverted

11. Bold

12. Patient (again haha)

13. NICE (oh yes this is really important haha :P)

14. Not some whiny princess bitch hahahaah

Alright I'm starting to drift into the "what i don't like in her" sphere.. ):

Must stay focused!

15. Any race is fine, so long as we can connect :D

16. Older preferably, no more exceptions haha

17. Different in mindset but able to compromise for me

18. Able to hold her own

19. Protective

20. Strong.. mentally/emotionally (oh yes really impt too haha)

The points aren't arranged in order of importance.. they're in order of which i thought of first haha (;

21. Positive

22. HAPPY :D

23. Resilient

24. Doesn't mind taking the reins in a relationship

25. Slightly boyish at heart. Duno, always found this kinda cute. Haha

26. Eloquent, witty

27. Not necessarily pretty..

28. Of any height except 1.8/1.9/2.0 metres ahahha i might need a ladder before we can smooch

29. Not fussy

30. Slightly perfectionistic in nature but not hard up about it

31. Caring

32. A good friend (no not necessarily my good friend but who's a good friend (: )

33. Dare Devil YEAH!

34. Agreeable

35. Someone sporty

36. Accepting and kind

37. Less cynical than me

38. Appreciates music and the arts

39. Good self control

40. Honest

41. Thoughtful

42. Enjoys talking rubbish lol

43. Doesn't like bitching

44. Flamboyant

45. Tactful

46. Doesn't mock me

47. Ambitious

48. Likes nature

49. Likes eating hahahaha

50. Fun

51. Not arrogant

52. Natural

53. Likes to paint

54. Creative..

55. Fairly disciplined, equal to me?

56. Responsible (a must!)

57. Nice voice.. not so low.. haha.

58. GENTLE.. in a nurturing way but i've a soft spot for enthusiastic girls :B

OK im gonna stop here haha. Guess i'll find my dream girl in utopia.. haha.

:D so hungry so I'm going for dinner with my mom now!!

YAY =)

HAVE A GOOD GOOD DAY =D

Depressed

2011-12-06T01:54:00.000+08:00

Check it Out, It's Eating You Alive

Cant think, can't feel.

Cant write, can't deal.

Someday this loneliness might consume me and death and destruction'll be all i know.

For now, hang on.

With butter fingers.

Goodnight

Progress

2011-12-03T03:41:00.003+08:00

Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

Note to Self: Not a Rug

2011-12-02T14:34:00.004+08:00

Note to Self: Not a Rug

Hi!

Studying has gotten a little under my skin lately.. long days in isolation haha with no one but red bull and coffee by my side. Must say its been getting a little lonely. Haha. Im just glad that in no time, i wont have to study psy101 anymore.. Its been such a disaster. Haha. In fact, i better get off my mac soon and continue studying it. I cant help but feel so tired and sian.. ):

Im looking forward to the holidays!! (:

Hmm.. so many things have been going on recently that have really seriously worn me out. A million thoughts with no time to take them apart piece by piece. Well, not all these thoughts involve simply just me alone.. thankfully.. haha. I just wished that bad news wouldnt be shared at a time like This. Haha. Timing is everything!

Some random thoughts:
-> Im starting to think that it was a good thing that we never got any closer than we were. Im not really sure why this's affecting me more than it should, especially when we never were close in the first place. I guess i just felt like you were one of the 'nicer' ones in school that could stand a chance to be one of my friends, and well, you were there right from the beginning. After psy101 ends, i hope we dont have anymore similiar classes cus the space between us doesnt feel comfortable anymore. Not really sure why, but i ignore you when i see you. I dont really know what's happening but i sorta figured out why. Frankly, im a bit disappointed. That's why i really think it was a great thing that we never got closer. Imagine if i had divulged anything to you.. i'd feel even more hurt right now. It's just too bad we're in the same course, cos things are already uncomfortable between us. Sigh.

-> You. I really dont know what im going to say to you when i see you. I kinda want this friendship to end. It just feels right. What you're doing is wrong, and you've been doing it all along. I feel angry that you treat your friends the way you do, and im even angrier when i think about how you call me one of your best friends. I dislike labels on friendships. That's the reason why it never lasts while there's a label on any of my friendships. In my opinion, it places a lot of unnecessary pressure on the friendship when there needn't be. I dont know. Maybe you readers shouldnt listen and take what i say to heart. If i really had something to say and impress, you would've seen it through my actions already. I cant stand hearing empty promises, and empty words. What use is your word when you've proven yourself to be a perpetual liar. I trust actions much much more. I hope you really aren't thinking when you say some things, but still it's Inexcusable for you to taint your friend's image and claim that it was a moment of folly. Come on. Even as one of your best friends, this doesn't feel like a speck in my eye but a log. Lastly, i think we're growin' apart. I do feel sad about it. But maybe it's time to move on to form better friendships.

-> I've not been doing what i wanted for the last 3 weeks. Been in some sort of whirlwind spiral, and i've been constantly feeling tired and a little depressed. Not sure what's happenin' to me. Just know that i have to End these 5am nights. Been sleeping at 5am almost every single day for three weeks. It's become so bad that i cant even keep track of what day it is. I thought today was Thursday. Seems like it's already Friday.

I havent gone for my run for like 2 weeks. Too long. I've been so busy doing god knows what and thinking about god knows what.

I just need to get down to doing whatever i need to. I need to have fun after finals.. maybe i'll stand some shot at redemption.. finally.

Okay!! It's time to get down to werrrrkkkkkk.
I've been so undisciplined.. especially this last week. Really need to start waking up and doing something productive with my sorry life.

Cheers!

FUCK.

2011-11-28T00:10:00.000+08:00

FUCK

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

FUCK.

Paradise

2011-11-27T04:08:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, Even When You Win, You Lose

Recently i've been thinking and i realized that since i entered jc, the range of emotions that i've felt prior to entering jc has drastically shrunk. I wasn't really sure of the reason/reasons behind it, and only until a few months back did i realize why. Ever since 2008, my feelings have been overwhelming me with such force that all i could do to escape them was to pretend like they didn't exist. So in order to survive the chaos that was raging inside of me, it was easier to live in the 'now' with existing friends, new friends, new girlfriends and so on to ride just above the wave that seemed to drown me. Simply put: life went on.

On most days, i was so deep in my thoughts that no one could reach me. It was really difficult to open up to anyone whom i believed wouldn't leave my life after a period of time. I don't think my friends would've understood either.. i just didn't know where to begin. How would i go about telling them what i really meant to. Hmm.. actually, i don't even mean to tell them anything. Im not used to confiding deeply in others, maybe its because i don't believe that they can solve things for me. They're just like me.. we're the same. And if i can't solve things for myself, what would make me think that they could make things better. I don't know. Everyone has their issues sometimes. I hate to burden others.

This was more than some useless pulling at my heart strings. Im not talking about a girl.. just in case you were wondering

For the longest time, i've been so jaded with life and its nonsense that i refused to let myself feel truly happy. I remember whenever i felt any degree of ecstacy over the last 2 years, i would tell myself that it wasn't going to last anyway so i should be prepared to watch things fail. (whatever those things were) I gradually stopped hoping, and now i rather not talk about it at all. Talking about It would just cause more emotional upheaval within me and drain me even more. I've stopped talking to You about it completely since a month back, and i've officially regarded myself dead towards this subject. Its okay. Leave me out of it. It does not matter if i am dead or alive regarding this. I've been even more cynical since then that it's shaped how i react, think and even feel. I feel so bogged down by it right now. It kinda reached a point where i stopped feeling so many different emotions so i wouldn't get exhausted by the roller coaster effect of my mood. I never thought 'feeling' for someone/something/things and everything could drain me so badly that i'd rather not feel anything for anything or anyone at all. (sounds like I'm talking about a girl again, but the main point of this is Not about a girl) I've really become the type of person that i didn't want to be. This unfeeling person who.. i just feel so gross about.

The main thing that signaled red smoke to my own change and made me aware of it was when i realized that my inferences about people became strangely inaccurate and assuming. That wasn't the way i used to be, and it used to be easy peasy to read people compared to now. Now, it's like i have to literally consciously Think about someone and how they tick. Even then, sometimes my predictions were way off tangent and inaccurate. I feel horrible about this. I just don't feel like the person i used to be. In the past, i didn't even have to Think about it but i'd just feel it and know. I mean, its not like that doesn't happen anymore, it just happens less often.. but its becoming more occasional. Hmm.. maybe this loss of ability bugs me because without it, i don't feel alive. Maybe I'm not. Not anymore.

I can't feel.

And yknw, despite being more unfeeling than before i still tried to avoid the sense of loss by telling myself that it would be better to let you go. And its weird cos, even while avoiding getting too attached to you so that i could avoid the same sense of loss, i lost you. And i feel it.

I like you.

I just don't trust myself that i won't let you down especially when you've been through so much.

I'd rather not test that theory.

What would it take to avoid feeling that sense of loss totally?

I'd give anything to maintain that feeling right now, I'm afraid to hold on to someone who'll one day let me go.

What will i do then? Shatter?

Maybe someday i'll be brave enough again. Like i used to be.

Fearless

For now, i need to start feeling again. I need to stop this emotional damage before it passes the point of no return

Im gonna turn in now..

Goodnight to whoever's reading this

"in the night the stormy night away she'd fly..

and dreams of para-para-paradise"

Rose Tinted Glasses

2011-11-26T02:51:00.000+08:00

2009 Australia

I don't think anyone has ever seen these pictures, okay, i know no one has. Haha.

Don't think i even looked at em until recently, when i had to pass them to you.

But it just reminded me of things; and how much i miss my Friend.

One of my oldest friends; a fact i know.

I'll put up some photos that i really like (:

Haha gosh, i used to be So retarded.. LOL (:

I remember feeling really happy when i was in Aussie

Pictures speak a thousand words.

I just miss my friend tonight.

Just, for a night, let's see life through rose tinted glasses

For now, i just don't feel a thing.

Goodnighttttttttt!

Out with the Old, In with the New

2011-11-21T21:05:00.002+08:00

Turning of the Dusty Old Tables

Im supposed to start writing my thousand word essay but nothing seems to be of any inspiration to me. It's really such a bad time to be blank in the head. Wish i could think of ideas quickly and instantaneously.

Hmm.. it's been a hell of a whirlwind in my head since sat. Things happened so quickly, i wouldnt even know where to begin. I just hope i enjoy this ride, and no one gets hurt in the process. Maybe it's time to enjoy for a change?

I dont really want to go into the details, but maybe things are really turning around for the better. My esl classmates are really the reason why i look forward to class, and i'll be really sad to lose them next sem.. ): hmm.. at least i'll be holding a christmas party this year! im so excited for it!! (: (: i havent held a party since my 18th birthday, (that was quite fun but there were groups just hanging out alone everywhere) and i have a feeling that this year's would be a success! (;

After going to ub bash on sat with Stef and Jotharm, i really feel a lot more at ease and at home with my course mates.. (: Got to know a lot more freshmen business ppl on a better level during the bash, and i really didnt regret going one bit! haha. I havent felt this happy in ages (: Things are finally working out.. in terms of where im going in life.. it's been such a confusing and lonely journey since Feb/March that i just felt shut off from everyone. I was really just so lost and directionless, plus things with S were so rocky that my mood couldnt really be salvaged.

Ive been wanting to note down all the new things i've learnt this year (:
1. i travelled to the most places in one year this year (: (: i love travelling.. haha
2. i learned how to dive?!? cool or what! i went down 5m. Haha. Must admit it was quite scary at first but then i got over it and learned quickly (:
3. i got my driving license even though taking the lessons with a broken heart was so difficult haha i made it in the end!! (:
4. i opened bank accounts by myself
5. i learned how to buy stuff online regularly and efficiently
6. i have clubbed more than ever!
7. i revamped the layout of my room!
8. wrote a lot more than expected
9. got closer to my family
10. grew up
11. dressed up a lot more than i've ever done in the past.. haha must have sth to do with throwing out all the green uniforms in my cupboard..
12. increased my alcohol tolerance like crazy
13. became more fashionable
14. learned drums!!
15. read more
16. cooked A LOT more
17. spent a lot more ):
18. became a lot more closer to myself
19. faced up to reality
20. loved myself a little more
21. allowed myself to be happy
22. dropped someone like a hot potato (should've done this years back)
23. felt happy about it
24. felt even happier knowing that i felt happy about it.. haha
25. spoke less
26. thought more
27. remembered less
28. laughed more
29. treasured some people more
30. learned the difference between reality and delusion
31. did not break my new year resolutions: 1) which was to QUIT smoking (: im really happy about this. And just in case you're reading this, i quit for You. Haha, it's really ironic that when i quit, you picked up the habit. Anyhow, you've to deal with your own choices
32. 2) to let you go.
33. learned the difference between truth and lies
34. learned how to tell between a truth and a lie
35. learned that sometimes letting go is better than having patience with someone
36. hopefully became wiser
37. became more independent
38. became less patient with some people
39. finally understood what being alone really means
40. decided that i was okay with it
41. had the most rocky ride with my writing journey
42. threw away a lot of my poems/short excerpts
43. didnt feel bad about it
44. started writing again
45. subject of writing changed
46. saved more, spent more = offset ):
47. realised all i was was a safety net
48. decided to be my own person
49. liked someone from a different country
50. luckily it turned out to only be an infatuation cos she got married 2-3 weeks after i got back (LOL)
51. have not felt this at peace with myself for quite awhile
52. exercised less than i've ever exercised in my life.. LOL

okay. haha i think i've exhausted the list for now. maybe by the end of the year, which is around a months plus time.. i'll have reached hundered already. im feeling quite happy now.. (:

See you soon!

Confession

2011-11-15T00:04:00.006+08:00

These Words

I have a confession.

You know its funny when you think you know someone better than anyone else ever has but then they do something totally unexpected and throw you off balance? Haha yeah, that's what im feeling now. Guess it does puzzle me to a certain extent why you're doing this to yourself, but hey, at the end of the day/years of your life, you only answer to one and only one person, yourself.

It Seems as though you're destroying yourself and creating some monster (mind my language if you're reading this, im not typing this to spare your feelings) who gives no care about life. And it may be a fact that you're evolving into someone you swore not to become. I cant say i dont care enough not to feel disappointed. But it isnt my place. You're no longer a concern of mine.

Im quite glad that even as im writing this, i know im building a new life of mine that's separate from you. A breath of fresh air, something im not dragged down by. But dont get me wrong, not all of it was bad. I liked the times when we were happy, but they feel so far away in my mind now that i can no longer identify and remember. I feel that's a good thing.

I just wished things were different and you hadn't given up fighting. But i dont wish it enough to get emotionally invested again. You've changed for the worse and only your family will stick by you now.. if you even treat them well. Im ready to let go, of everything, even the memory of us being together. It doesnt mean as much as it used to. I cant really accept the person you've become. I hope you can accept yourself. Even better that you think it's a good change, it'll let me know that im doing the right thing by leaving this behind. Let me know if it was even worth hanging onto in the first place.

Im glad i can type this without feeling hurt but instead i feel detached. Finally cut off from the drama. Things used to be different, golden and well for some time. But with time, every single thing in our life changes and we change. You told me yourself, you didnt think this was a bad change. If that is truly how you feel i will gladly move on with life not feeling as though i have failed in some way. I know you are not my responsibility and if i may say, you were never my responsibility from day 1. It took me some time to realise that you are your own reason, you are your own saver, you control your life. I handled everything lousily, thinking i was responsible when all i should have done was let nature take its own course. Now that things are finally turning out the way it Was Meant To Be, i see the person you were supposed to become had i not stood in the way of that.

And that has made me realise, that with all that blocking me from happiness, i've missed out on a lot too. I would like for things to go back to the way they were but now that i see what they were always meant to be, i dont think there's any option of turning back on ourselves.

I will be me, and you will be you. It fits in crystal clear now. I am supposed to be me, and you are supposed to be whoever you wanna be. It is Not my call. And i Should Have Known that.

I want to apologise for stuff that i've done to wrong you; (note that this doesn't mean i feel like i did everything wrong. And i guess to find out what those stuff are you'd have to contact me because i have no interest in contacting you)

And that i want to get over it. Im not proud of certain things that i did, and certain behaviour that i have displayed along the way.

But aside from that, this ordeal has taught me so much and that if someone's pride comes before you with them, then you deserve someone so much better who will really look after your needs and do what it takes to make things work. What we had lacked that. And although alone, i can feel assured that someone else will treat me the way i need to be treated, and when we meet, i will feel overjoyed because i hope that it will be the last time i have to look.

I gave everything that i had to make our relationship work. It was the furthest i've ever gone with anyone. I was far from perfect. This blog post isnt a plot to make myself appear as the victim, i had a hand in the demise of our relationship too. But if there is one essential thing that i had that you didnt, it was that i never gave up. While you had your diet of self pity and self loathing, i never gave up on you. I still saw you as someone you've never seen yourself as. I believed in you. And in return, you expected me to be able to fulfill the role of a friend as though we didnt have a history and after hurting me so many times verbally that i feel that severed ties are a better option now. I dont want to stay and be someone's comfort rock that is invisible. I want something real from you. And if you cant give me that, im sorry i cant stay. It may seem bad of me, but why would i want to stay and get hurt?

Fight or flight.

I fought.

Now im leaving.

You already left a long time ago.

You said you wanted me to be happy. When i meet someone who loves me no matter what i am, and who will stand by me through anything, can you be happy for me? that's the least you can give me after breaking my heart.

If you cant be happy for me, then you'll just have stay away, because im looking for happiness; and if you cant contribute to mine, i see no reason for you to stick around if all you do is make me feel broken and rejected. I want a complete life with someone that i love who loves me back. If you cant/refuse to love me, please accept it when someone else does.

I still want what i said i wanted months back.

I want something real. A real stable secure love.

I will keep looking till i find it

sticks and stones

2011-11-07T02:03:00.000+08:00

Sticks and Stones Can Break My Bones but Words Cant Hurt Me This Time

Guess its sorta normal to find myself awake at this time of night again. Not surprising actually, my ability to remain awake at night and sleep throughout the day is back. Haha it seems like i havent posted here in 7 months.. not bad. The hiatus seems to have finally stuck.. after years of trying to post less and less in my oh-so-dead blog now. Haha.

Well, its November.. and the year's coming to an inevitable end. I dont know why im just not excited about christmas this year.. Christmas's always been the best time of the year besides my birthday. I just hate seeing such a good holiday go to waste. But i cant seem to turn this mood around either. Maybe things'll improve right before Christmas.. oh wait. I have Finals the week before Christmas. Haha. Alright, stay positive.

I came here to post something but just after two paragraphs i dont feel like i can type anything. Whenever i approach the time of truly letting my walls down and writing about how i feel, someone just seems to press the stop button. It was just too good to be true that i'd be back posting at my thisipromiseyou blog after all this time.

The irony of it all is, for the last 4 years i've tried so hard to put this blog behind me, but this voice in my head has always told me Some stupid Reason that i needed to Hang On to it. I honestly Know this because it had something to do with you. A part of me felt like by keeping it alive or somewhat in use, it'd be like you were still part of something in my life. A silly delusion but anyhow. I think back and i feel like i was severely retarded or caught up in a Big Fat Lie. Im the only one to blame really. It seemed really nice to constantly lie to myself. Prolong the pain. Avoid it totally. Be strong or whatever i needed to be for the people in my life at that moment.

I still feel confused sometimes.

Whenever i think of you Now, sincerely from the bottom of heart i can only think.. "fucked up." After our little conversation again this year, that may i mention was not only one-sided but frankly bull, has completely changed and distorted my idealistic notion of you. (maybe in retrospect my idealistic notion of you was the seriously distorted one instead.) Refusal to accept the real you that i so conveniently denied the existence of, thinking you were perfect, was my gravest mistake. I cant believe i allowed myself to be played out in every way possible. Anyway, i dont know how to see you anymore, and im not interested in the least to know anything about you as of the most recent 150 days of my life. After years of erasing your own existence from my sorry life, im finally erasing you. Please dont think that i'll ever need you again. I did once, but that was a long time ago. Though its taken me longer than i should have Needed to move on, im done now. And whether you are dead or alive wouldnt matter to me. I dont want anything from you; not sympathy, care, love, faith, pain, comfort, sadness, admiration.. just stick where you are which is far away, and stay there. I wont be coming to you this time.

What you did cant be undone.

It's funny how this love has transformed into hate but you can only push people so far. I've had enough of everything. The complexity, the intensity of things, getting wrapped up in messiness cause you couldn't handle it back then. I was ready to give up anything. Now its over, i can start anew, and best of all this large sack of emotional baggage has just been lifted off my back.

Im happier now, so please, dont come back into my life and change that.

Lobsters, Crutches, Fire, Drawers and What Not

2011-05-26T10:46:00.009+08:00

Lobsters, Crutches, Fire, Drawers and What Not

Salvador Dali

Good morning readers!

Dali's signature on his melting clock

First stage of complicated.. lol

The woman aflame. Thought provoking?

Can you see a CRUTCH behind her back?? lol

A list of Dali's symbols

Some paintings by Dali

Sculpture of Space Venus first conceived in 1977

Dali's preoccupation with drawers again

An elephant on stilts

Mom and some lobsters on the wall.. haha

This is really weird. Haha. So i decided to put it up here. Lol

I find this really true.

Okay, im going for lunch in a bit.

So i'll end here..

Today didnt start off very well but i hope things'll get better later (:

I had a really really good sleep ytd

And the dreams were vivid but kinda exhuasting..

Got up with a start and i hope the remainder of my day is fulfilling!

See you!

Crutches for Life!

2011-05-23T00:32:00.005+08:00

Life Handicaps Us All; That's When We Need a CRUTCH!!!! LOL

Okay, i cant seem to get to sleep again although im feeling really tired

So i shall blog

Okay, its 1234am!!

Hahaha yeah.. -.- AH!!

SALVADOR DALI

Hehehe, hello readers, the long awaited post has come!

Oh i just said hi to ZHUJUN online cos im getting too bored!

Okay, i ended up procrastinating

And now im too tired to start a new post! Lol

I shall just put my favourite pic of Dali's odd art ;P

A sculpture of Dali's 'Melting Clock' signifies:

The fragility of life

Preciousness of time

Didnt regret gg to the exhibition,

But wanted to just run out of the Art Science Museum after about an hour

Cos Mr Dali's art works were getting too disturbing and depressing, haha.

You see,

If you feel sad just looking at his Melting Clock,

Imagine viewing and scrutinising about 15 sections of More Depressing art work.

Lol.

I nearly died.

Crutches. I see crutches everywhere now.

!!! and lobsters. everywhere and everytime i answer the phone.

LOL haha Dali you sure are an influential man.

SINCE THE DAY I VIEWED YOUR ART WORK,

AND SAW CRUTCHES AT LEAST 100 TIMES IN 2 HOURS,

YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE.

AHHH!

Okay, getting really really tired now..

Shall sleep.

NUS NUS. PLEASE NUS.

I will die if you accept me.

I'll die if you dont too. Haha. But saves me the trouble of bumping into her.

Whoo!

Goodnight (:

This is the reason why i feel life is worth it sometimes. Cos i know some friends really care and they make me feel loved because of it (: all it takes is some effort, and happiness flies right by and lands on your shoulder, giving you strength to face the next day (:

Kristle says:

i've got to go now alright

Paddo says:

okay sure

drop me a text or sth

Kristle says:

got to be up early to help my mum out with work

meanwhile

Paddo says:

i miss you =/

Kristle says:

YOU EAT

YOU EAT AND EAT!

me too babe

hhaha

Paddo says:

haha alright.. that's cool

Kristle says:

but firstly, YOU EAT

Paddo says:

hahaha okay i will (: stuff my face with food everywhere i go

Kristle says:

THAT'S MY GIRL

Paddo says:

and with kit kats so i can take a break from life

Kristle says:

Paddo says:

hahaha yeah

love ya (:

Kristle says:

g'night babe

Paddo says:

night monster

lol

Kristle says:

bigass monster hug

g'night babe

Great Music Plays Its Part (:

2011-05-22T18:31:00.003+08:00

Great Music Plays Its Part (:

Just came back from watching Fast5 at Tampines.. (:

It was a pretty good, (okay freaking awesome) show

And i just need to say, "WOW!"

(;

Today was a pretty good day (:

Woke up ard 8am cos mom was shouting at Bev for waking up late..

(Yeah.. haha such a normal practice.. haha)

But i only left for church at 9 cos it starts at 930

Lucky i slept rather early, (okay la actually 145 isnt early lol)

So i felt pretty awake today!

Met my old friends at church,

And Tim is really buff now. Haha

The old gang of girls are the same, getting prettier each time (x

Saw Sam and was shocked at how Sung Ann looked. Lol

The sermon was pretty great,

And i felt some spiritual warmth that i havent felt in a long time, haha

Church was good (:

Ended ard 11am and went for lunch w Bev at Tampines Mart

The chicken rice didnt taste as good as when i usually da bao home!!

Such a disappointment haha

And i dont think they even served me shao ji xiong!

Tasted like thigh.. argh ):

Haha bought bubble tea (from the so called famous shop)

And took 291 down to Tampines with Bev..

Got hooked onto this notebook stall selling Cheap Cheap Cheap notebooks!!!

Couldnt decide on which one i wanted so i didnt buy =/

After awhile she left for Somerset and i went to meet Ann (;

Haha went to GV alone

And bumped into Yuan Song, Lester and Jamie Pang at the gv queue!

Haha. Told Yuan Song i saw him at his house the other day

And said i didnt know anyone lived there for years. Lol!

Crapped a little until Ann arrived..

Bought tix for Fast5!!!

Whooopie doo (:

After that, we went to the ARCADE!!!

HAHA!

Had this urge to enter it since i played at the Suntec one 2 weeks ago!

We got our timezone cards and started to play the games.

Topped the score for the basketball game and my arm felt tired. Lol!!

So weak... hahaha, nua alr~ lol lol

Haha i played the smashing of the squirrels game after that. LOL!

HAHA it was so tiring!

Wahlao i felt that it was worse than the basketball one!!!

HAHA!!

Quite fun cos i looked so retarded banging each squirrel

When it popped out from its hole. Lol!

We tried to merge the $ value in both our cards in order to use it up

Cos each game was priced weirdly at $1.10 instead of at the usual $1 each

So in the end we both topped up 40c more for each card so we could use up the balance.. lol!

Haha and she gave the guy a $10 note somemore

So he returned her $9.60 change. LOL

Went to get Gongcha after that and then headed for the movie.

The movie was so good and entertaining throughout (:

So glad it was still showing when i got back, haha

Was afraid it would've stopped showing alr. Lol

OKAY, i just realised that i typed a whole post on my day

Instead of SALVADORE DALI!!!!

Haha!! oh well.. hmm

Im gonna read the papers now.. maybe i'll post it another day.. (;

Overall today was a great day (:

I hope there are many more days like this (:

See you!

I Wanna Celebrate My Life, Saying Baby Lets GO

2011-05-22T00:02:00.011+08:00

I Wanna Celebrate My Life, Saying HEYO Baby Lets Go (:

Hello blog (:

Am back with a picture post on what i've been up to the past week!

Haha, had some awesome experiences!

I'll let the pictures do the talking (;

BOATAsia 2011 (:

It was the most exciting thing i've been to in a long while!!

Reminded me of how much i love boating.. and it brought back good memories (;

Haha. The boats were so coooool

And almost everyone who was there was a boater!!

I need to get a tan. Hehe (:

The dog i saw at Ghim Moh hawker centre is so cute!!

He's a sheltie too and he's 7!

Haha a little round but perfect (:

Haha. Okay, next post will be on Salvadore Dali!!!

Freaking genius at Art but a little loose on the screws i'd say.

Haha. Glad i went for the exhibition (:

But kinda exhausting on the mind as well.. ahah

But left it feeling like a changed person.. 0.0

OooooOOoooO hahaha

Hmm.. man, artists are sad, depressed and quite insane people.

That's why they produce perfect and really quite odd art

(in terms of Dali's.. LOL)

And almost Always die a tragic death.

Z.Z

Haha, okay, going to bed early tonight cos it's been a rather exhausting day.

Have to be up early tmrw for churchieeeeee

Meeting Ann after for Fast5!!!

Whooo hooo!

Maldives was great although a little quiet.

But AWESOME EXPERIENCE none the less!

Loved every single bit of it. (:

Will blog about that soon too..

Goodnight readers (:

Foor for The Body and the Soul!

2011-05-14T17:14:00.004+08:00

Food for The Body and the Soul!

Hi readers!

Im back after a month of hiatus! unfortunately haha
Im still kinda missing Turkey.. i miss the life there
The apple tea, turkish tea, the smell of smoke
(lol i think increased my chances of lung cancer by 10%)
They literally smoked everywhere. Haha
The grilled fish! but having it everyday was just boring, aha

Caught Thor at Marina Square with Stacey ytd (:
It was a really great show and the graphics were awesome!
It was one of the shows that were really worth 10 bucks in a long time. Haha
Anyway we caught up, and had a really great time (:
We can spend more time hanging out after her A's.. haha

Anyway, im going to swim soon.
Instead of doing more talking, i'll let the photos speak for themselves (:

At Laguna (:

Thats my dad, hes gonna shower.. haha

The water is so nice.. (;

Its really a super place to swim!

Dinner afterward at Long Beach! (:

Where is she looking at? lol

Humongous crabs.. (:

Me and the crab! haha

Alright then.. that's all for today..
Im happy that i've drafted out the first draft of my appeal alr!
Tmrw ill re-edit it again and see what else i can write.

Oh and my NUS application is finally processing!
I hope there's a good outcome though =/
I'll end here then.. take care (:

Just

2011-04-14T00:32:00.002+08:00

Just realized..
That I'm not the one who makes you happy.
So damn tired of trying when
Actions speak so much louder than words.

Wish I could vaporise this instant

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

2011-04-11T01:26:00.002+08:00

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Helloo blog.

Just got back from Cine awhile ago
After watching 'Limitless' with Shar, Kok and Weng..
It was okay, i got really mind fucked after that. haha
Met them after drums at 7pm, hung out with Weng for almost an hour before Shar joined us
It was kinda funny cus we've never spent so much time tgt Alone talking before.
I was a little apprehensive abt it being all weird at first,
But luckily my tongue was loose and was able to engage.. (;
Got to know a little more about him. Haha
He is really more than meets the eye. People usually are

Had dinner at Quiznos Sub at Orchard Central (OC),
The zesty steak i had was Awesome.. (:
Talked about fishing,
Both guys tried advertising for ppl to join them for their fishing trip online..
Pretty entertaining (; hahah

On a different note,
ACM rocked (;
The place brought back loads of memories (;
Sec 1 museum time. Haha!
Recalled moments where we used to associate darkness with hanky panky. ahha
Remembered how i used to feel great that Kelly was at the museum with my class too.
And in sec 2 when Chong and i were good friends, the history thing was fun, haha

Hmm..
I miss those days a lot sometimes.
Things were perfect. And even if something did go wrong,
It was the most perfect period in my life.

Special, preserved in the crevices of my mind forever (: (:

Goodnight readers (:

Grenade/Bullet/Bazooka

2011-03-22T03:06:00.000+08:00

I'd Catch a Grenade/Take a Bullet/Get Blown Up By a Bazooka For Ya

Haha. wtf. was just thinking tht song writers keep using weapons in their lyrics so i decided to add my own. HAHAH.. yes.. LAME!

For some strange reason, i miss you.
And it's not like i even want to.

Hi blog, emo session's over.
Haha, thinking of Sharmila now cus she reminded me of
EMO-JI = DEPRESSED PPL.
Wow. Haha.

So, i think i'll submit my NTU e application by tmrw..
And then it's just the supporting documents i've to settle from now on (:
Still deciding between SIM Comms or Biz.. haha
I think i'll still have to sleep on the decision for awhile more..
Haha, my nose is running and its annoying especially when im trying to type! lol

Havent watched OC for 2 weeks!
That must be a record! hahaha
That is The best series i've watched. Enriched my life in every way (:

Been talking to Cherie recently..
She's doing fine, haha.
I find that it's really much more comforting talking to good old friends
Compared to ppl i've known for a shorter time.
It just feels like as though they've known me since forever,
And i love that feeling (:
Which can only be gained through time! haha

Thinking of my old friends,
I started to wonder where some of them went. Haha
Gladys Kee, Lydia Kuek.. wow.
Some really old friends.. haha
I miss the old primary sch days

While i was busy with all this appraisal and uni stuff,
I started to think of the person i used to be.
Going back to PL pri with my mom the other day,
I felt so different as a person when i stepped back into PL.
The school did look kinda small and didnt fit into the same memory frame
I rmb myself playing hopscotch on that same hopscotch area,
Cleaning the canteen tables weekly when it was pri 3/4 joy's turn to clean the canteen.
Nearly pushing Cherie into the link way's pond
But holding her belt from behind..
Mr Kim's long talks about numbers in the canteen and
Sharing his Marks and Spencer's toffees with us..
Stuffing my pocket with 3 of the 30c waffles and
Sneaking it into pri 6 class..

Talking about the blue ghost in the corner cubicle toilet bowl with Xueqi (HAHA)
And feeling shy around certain eye candies. Haha.
That was the life. Things were simple.
Eat, Study, Clean, Laugh, Play.
Guess things are a lot more complex now..
Fat, Mug till cry, Lazy, Too Tired to Laugh, Club.

Haha, as you can see,
I just wrote down the current parallels of last time's versions.. lol
Maybe in the future, it'll be..
Obese, Dementia already/STM, Extra Lazy, Far Too Tired to Laugh, How to Play?
Hmm..
Hopefully not. Haha
We must remain youthful!! =)

All the people who mistake my age now will regret it in future (;
All the people who treat me like shit
Becos they think im gullible will also regret it in future (:
All the people who talk down to me will also regret it
Cus they'll grow old, obese and obsolete quicker too.. hahahaha
Evil. xP

Well anyway im not sure what was the point of this post,
But yeah!!!
Everyone should live life to the fullest!!
Shall end here readers!
Night (:

Brilliant Night

2011-03-18T23:19:00.002+08:00

A Night I Didnt Regret

Hi blog.. (:
So last night I went to meet Azu, Shar and Sards at Cine
Even though i was really tired..
Glad i pushed myself to go meet em though, since i hadn't met Azu and Shar tgt for weeks =/

Didnt meet em early enough so they had dinner first.
Got a snack at macs and caught up. Haha
It was kinda funny (and fun) cus Sards and i kept observing the macs staff
Wipe the window with the window wiper. Haha
It seemed like the more she cleaned, the dirtier it got.
LOL. Azu also kept us updated on her love life (haha OF COURSE-)
And made us laugh cus she was recalling which songs/love songs/depressing songs/sex songs
Reminded her of which special someones. Haha..
(x

Hmm..
While we were being entertained by nothing,
And by Azu who was recalling her love life,
Some lady spilt her sprite all over the table.
Haha. Tsk. Everyone in macs was either too shocked
Or apathetic so i nudged Azu cus she was the nearest to the lady..
"help her la!" LOL
So she got up and went to get tissue. Haha
Azu was so cute cos she was kinda stunned too
And tried to wipe the sprite with the tissue
While Sards said what she needed was a cloth. Haha

It was a really funny scene.. haha
(for those of us who were there)

So macs gave the lady a new drink.
So nice (:

Hmm.. after that, we made our way to near 313 and sat down.
Chatted somemore, heard more about "sex songs" and sex.
Haha.

Eventually, Azu managed to persuade Sards to stay and play pool
So we proceeded back to cine. Haha
Went to a dozen floors before Eventually gg to the correct pool place.
Lol.

Pool was really fun.. (:
We paired up in teams and my team won 3/4 times.
Haha.
Sards had several lucky strikes with the white ball gg into the hole
And Azu seemed to live to hit the white balls in too. Haha
Not bad for her first try though (;

The music that they played there was great too
(: a lot of R&B remixes, but really nice (:
Had my best pool experience ytd!
Definitely do not regret gg out even though i was tired (:

We left around 1120,
And i had to wait 20 min for the bus.
Damn.. ):
Got home at 1220, one hr later omg ):

Didnt sleep until 3!
Oh wells.. nowonder im so tired today. Haha.
Okay, im ending off here.
Got my e trial ftt tmrw at Ubi.

Night all!

Cus I Need To Hear You Say

2011-03-16T01:27:00.003+08:00

Cus i needed,
I need to hear you say-

Take Me Up To The Clouds!

2011-03-16T00:13:00.004+08:00

Take Me Up To The Clouds, will You?

Haha hi readers (:
It's kinda hilarious how the lyrics of 4 in the morning
Is playing on my com screen as im typing this. Haha
Just like karaoke. Haha

So it's been a tiring day
And my cookies on IE just had to blank out on me again!
Sian.. wanted to do my e learning..
Hmm.. i just realised that i havent had dinner!
Omg. :/ how did i forget? lol

Did the usual chores today,
Zapping stuff.. so sian..!
Went to Miranda's place to play drums at night
Her house is really white.. haha
Had fun crapping, and she's Greedy, YEAH
Bus-ed home, and talked on the phone with Sharms for awhile..

Going to sleep soon!
Although stomach's rumbling ):

Goodnight people!

Do You Remember!

2011-03-15T03:03:00.002+08:00

Do You Rememberrrrrr??

Hello blog (:
It looks like insomnia has gotten me again.. haha
Might've been caused by the short nap i took tonight.. haha
Watching 90210 now. It's quite funny. Haha

It's like the middle of Glee and OC.
Glee (retarded) <--------- 90210 (quirky) ---------> OC (drama mama oi)
Haha.. Silver on 90210's super cool.
Love her dark hair and low voice.
I think people who have low voices naturally have an X-factor. Haha
My voice's so high =/

Oh well..
yada yada. My voice is a curse.
LOL.

Some days when i think about what makes girls like other girls../butches/andros..
OK. I shall stop.
Not making any earthly sense whatsoever.. haha
Shall not further discourage myself!

Hmm.. so i just completed my SMU application..
And hopefully will complete my NUS one by tmrw, and NTU by Friday or Saturday.
Haha
Will send in my supporting documents to SMU on weds (:

Manual theory for FTT has been like a finger shoved up my ass.
= annoying
All the gears are seriously driving (haha Literally driving eh) my mind into the manure pit. LOL
Meaning shit hole. Haha.
Dont know what's with the words recently but maybe its due to the essay writing
Or maybe that it's 3am at night now
AHA

So, starbucks changed their cups!!!
My sis says she feels like vomiting when she looks at the cup.
Hahah.. perfect description and i agree!
They are ruining their marketing edge. Haha
Please dont shoot yourself in the foot starbucks.
Im a loyal coffee drinker. Please, dont. Lol

Okay, so anyway,
I'm gonna end off here.
Wanna complete some other stuff tmrw
And need to start eating less.
Over the last 5 days i've been having supper Every night!
Wthell. ):

Okay goodnight readers!

p.s. wanted to swim but the fukushima nuclear plant exploded and the toxins might in the rainfall which would be in the pool.. so.. ):

p.p.s McFly is so ordinary now! so sad, seriously ): i used to idolise you guys and sing '5 colours in her hair'!!!!!!

Where Are All My Worries Now

2011-03-08T19:50:00.003+08:00

Where Are All My Worries Now

Hi blog,
It's either just a sad day today
Or it's just a very sad day today.
):

Im going to have my first meal of the day soon
But im not really looking forward to it..
This is quite funny cos earlier in the afternoon around 1230,
I looked forward to completing my applications early so i could quickly go and eat.

Things have taken a different turn now.
The darkness of night doesn't help much either..

Been feeling so tired about thinking and thinking and thinking
Of where i should study
And feeling down over the prospects of being rejected.

This is the one time rejection scared me.
Hmm..

And being in this alone,
Everything just flooding into my mind minute after minute
Makes me feel even worse.
I cant even sleep in peace..

And everyone telling me time after time what i should do
Where i should go,
Makes me feel like doing absolutely nothing about my future at all

Last of all,
I dont feel like a single person understands me
And knows what's best for me,
That includes myself.

If i could stop breathing.

Youre My Shawty!

2011-03-07T19:19:00.004+08:00

Youre My Shawty

Hello blog.. (:

Im going for dinner soon with my dad so this'll be a short one. Haha
So i guess the highlight of last week probably was the release of the A level results.
Didnt do as well as i wanted,
But i think i can get into a local uni, however, it may not be the course of my choice.
Well, think i moved on prettty quickly unlike some others
But im still feeling kinda confused. :/

Some acquaintances i know are still brooding over not being able to get into certain local unis..
And are complaining excessively about it. It's quite annoying really..
I just have one thing to say about this year's A level results:
Bummer.

TJC was supposed to have done really well and everything,
But i know A Lot of people who may not/most probably wont be able to get into whatever courses they want.
Which is pretty sad considering that Almost everyone i know has killed themselves to do well for the big A's.

This is The flaw in Sg's education system and homogeneous society.
Too many of the same brain. Same interests, same goals..
Hence, insufficient places in courses to satisfy our academically hungry 18 year old young adult population.
=/

Ah well.. we should all strive to be DiffeRenT =D

Hmm.. guess everyone should try to be optimistic
Since we all know life's going to be hard anyway..
(:

Moving on,
today was a good day!

I woke up ard 9am although i slept at 3am ytd
And i was pretty awake and conscious (lol) when i woke up. Haha

Went down to feed copper, texted My Shawty :D
And went to dress up.
(Couldnt really do that properly since i didnt really have any shorts at wherever i was.. HAHA)

Copper was nice and ate really fast today (;
Bought Wanton Mee for lunch
And had it while watching OC4 (:
(: (: (:

After that, Shawty and i went to watch 'Going The Distance'..
Funny and superliciously hilarious show =)
Laughed and laughed xP

Fell asleep after that and dreamt i talked to a jellybean.
WTH.
Haha.
Just came back from practicising drums at my neighbour's place.
My calf feels kinda sore and im starting to feel sleepy.. Haha

Oh well..
Im going for dinner any minute.
Better go and throw some clothes on. Haha
(no im not naked.. dont be disappointed hahahaha anw i've nth to be proud offffff)

Hopefully dinner's really good cuz im starving!
Bye (:

p.s.
Shawty: A Fine Young Lady
(:

Example of A Shawty ;D
-points above

Me at SRC, me not shawty :P

Monkey and i at Paragon infront of a shop tht we think has overrated & over-priced clothes
(;

So Stupid

2011-03-01T20:49:00.001+08:00

What a Waste of Time

I feel So stupid when i think of how i used to love you. Haha.

When She's Breaking His Heart, She Still Fucks Like a Tease

2011-03-01T00:48:00.004+08:00

When She's Breaking His Heart, She Still Fucks Like a Tease

Haro!

Feeling extremely overwhelmed by the need to sleep
But also by the need to download music.
It's been such an exhausting day.. haha

Results are coming out on Friday.
So scary.. =/

Went out for lunch at Olive Cafe today.
Celebrated my mom's birthday.. it was kinda pleasant.. haha
Came home ard 3,
Slacked,
Read and then encountered some problems with my iphone
Brought it to Somerset and got it fixed, then went for dinner with my dad at SRC

It was really nice. Haha
Texted Sharmos (:
Had fun.. after so long! haha

:D

Hmm.. just backed up my iphone again.
Gonna sleep, and cant wait for drumming lessons to start on weds.
Finally. One of the longest waits in my life. Haha

Oh, Kai left for Cambodia today.
Cam-Poo-Cha!
Haha gonna miss her.
Oh man ):
I miss her already..

Be privileged i said it okay! hahaha
(if youre reading this.. (; )

Downloading a couple of songs now and
Sharmos.. THEYRE SO SAD OMG!
): ):
I dont get it how ppl thrive in sad music..
-points at a certain someone. Haha

Okay then, gonna sleep soon..
Gotta do sth productive with my life tmrw!

Goodnight (:

why do i still dream about you when i dont think about you

#Stars - One More Night currently on the repeat.. again

It's Not Right

2011-02-28T01:35:00.003+08:00

I wish i could help you with whatever's going on in there.

Square Peg, Round Hole

2011-02-28T00:01:00.003+08:00

Square Peg, Round Hole

Hello readers!

Im back from Phukettttt! (:
It wasn't the experience i hoped it'd be, but thankfully im back in one piece!
Started out with being delayed at the airport cos Tiger Air was being a bitch,
Afterwhich Phuket Airport was a bitch
And Katathani Resort was just a Pain.

I really do not feel like gg into details unless you see me in person cos its too tedious to repeat it so many times.. :/
Hmm. Anyway im just glad to be back.
Never been this homesick!!!! ):

Arrived back in Sg an hour late after Tiger Airways was delayed in Phuket this afternoon
(Again)
Because 40 people hadn't boarded the plane even 10 min before departure,
Due to the gate being changed at the last min.
!!
So we had to wait (again)

Got back ard 3pm, and found out my line had been cut.
Awesome return home present (note: sarcasm)
Remained cut off from the world for the remainder of the day

Made plans with Azu and met her at Orchard at 715pm
Walked to Far East for lunner (:
Ordered Ipoh Hor Fun by mistake and it tasted gross!
Hmm..
We then walked through Paragon and talked about stuff along the way..
Man, we've been doing this for 6 years already that i feel really comfortable when we just hang out as friends and talk about anything we're feeling.

It's a great thing to know that you can lay anything out on the table when youre with a good friend (:

Had a good htht and felt really awesome (:

Realised that one of the reasons why people cant face their ex-es face to face after break ups
Is because their ex-es have led them on to hope for a better outcome when they themselves know the r/s isn't going anywhere.
And that's not the only thing.
It isn't about false hope,
The reason why it's hard to face them after a break is because
People want to remain in their own delusion by resisting the fact that things Have Changed
And can never be the same/is difficult to return to normal.

Hm, its prolly not the only reason why ex-es cant face each other after a breakup,
but i guess it's one of the reasons.

But i guess, whatever the reason is, being unable to face up to your ex shows that people find it difficult facing the music/reality.
Guess it all takes time.

But, how much?
It all depends.

After what Azu said,
Sometimes i think it's really sad how r/s destroy people and destroy their ability to feel happy at the same time.
She's right, that the aftermath of a r/s can kill.
Those who've been through it, will know what im talking about.

We all wish r/s could be easy.
But the reality is that they are and will continue to be fucking difficult and hard.
Life cant be a bed of roses. Neither can love
=/

Hmm.. when i think of people who think r/s are meant to be fun,
I really dont know what they're talking about because sooner Or later,
No r/s is Fun.
They're, nice, comfortable, relaxed, stressful, hurtful, tiring, exhaustive, joyful,
But i really dont get the word 'fun' in the context.

Maybe im taking myself too seriously.
But how are they supposed to be fun when there's a basic element of Committment?
Hmmmm

Okay okay.
I shall end here.
Haha.

This is getting too heavy and too much.
(:

Damn.
All this has been going on in my head.
And when i finally typed it out i feel.. so relieved its out.
Hahaha

Im becoming an introvert!
"Introverts just sit on the couch and do nothing because they assume everybody is waiting for them to be quiet"
-Chuck Klosterman

Haha.
Okay then..
Gonna edit the blogskin and head to bed.
Tired and sleepy!

Should prolly stop thinking too much about certain things too.
Night!

HALF of my heart!

2011-02-22T12:49:00.002+08:00

Half of My Heart's Got The Right Mind to Tell You That I Cant Keep Lovin' You

Heyooo!
Im rushing to pack my luggage now and i just thought of blogging.
Haha, so anti-climactic but yeah..

So, i just swept my room and gargled some medicine for my sore throat.
It's been a week.. =/ im hoping it will heal by today/tmrw so i wont be affected during my trip!
Hmm.. catching 'No Strings Attached' with Manzees at nex later.
Kinda excited! wanna watch the movie.. heard its funny (:
Haha. She's meeting Wenhui after meeting me, kinda funny. Hahah
Hmm.. i wonder if Manzee'll like her present. o.o HAHA

'Screwed' by Paris Hilton is playing on itunes now.
Felt it was so gross i just had to change the song and say it. Haha.
I hope it does not define my day. 'Screwwwwedd'. Hahaha, when did i get so superstitious?
No la, im kidding (;

After meeting for the movie, Manzees says she wants t eat Subway,
So i was just thinking how my mouth is gonna open so wide (hahahaa) to fit the sandwich cos the edge of my lips are dry.
They're probably gonna crack and bleed again. Lol. ):

Gonna bring lip balm to Phuket.
Lip balm makes me look so attractive. HAHA.
If i dressed sluttishly, wear lip balm (the body shop kind ok not the old aunty kind)
And go out to enjoy the Nightlife at Phuket, folks might get the wrong idea.
Haha. Im not lonely okay. LOL

Well.. enough procrastinating, i think im goin to go back to packing soon..
And if i have enough time i'll even practice my e-learning for driving and be able to read my book!
Been dyingggg to read ittttt.
):
LOL.

Anyway, on the otherhand, i dreamt about You!
And You died in my dream. But good thing i wasn't very sad (in the dream)
(: :D :D :D

-sings
"finally i breakkkkk awaaaayyyyyyyy"
Omg so lame. :P
Haha. I surprise myself sometimes..
Didnt think i still had it in me.

Okay, im gonna end here..
(:
"Half of My Heart" by John Mayor is playing (:
So romantic. I like! =D

See you next Sunday! (:

turn it up, heat it up, i need to be entertained

2011-02-21T19:09:00.002+08:00

Turn it Up, Heat it Up, I Need To Be Entertained

Hiya readers!
It's my last 48 hours in sg~ whoo whoo (:
Im feeling so excited for Phuket, YEAH!
Gonna snorkle, explore, shop, sleep, enjoy, breathe in da freedom!!
(:

Today was again another stressful day. Haha
Slept really well last night (: and dreamt about someone from the past.
It was a really good dream and i felt really happy. Haha
You were there too and you made my dream! >:)

Got outta bed at 1030 and booked some driving stuff.
It was a pain and i had to top up my store balance cos it was kinda low.. haha.
Changed up, grabbed a quick snack and took off in dad's car.
(no, i wasn't driving, wish it was me in the driver's seat instead. Lol)
Went to nex mall for lunch at the Little Fish Shop.
Service was horrible and they served our food only like after an hour.. -.-
And when i told them they forgot one of our orders, the waiter literally said "oh" and he didnt even go and order it again for us.
-.- wish i had walked out right there and then.

By the time we left nex, it was already 330.. way past our appointment time at Raffles Hosp.
Went down and got my medical report.
Haha. Apparently i have a low metabolic rate, but i've been losing so much weight recently!
Lol. Means if it was higher i'd lose more weight? hahaha. :P

After that, i came home and had the time of my life.
(: relaxed and that felt awesome! (:
Going over soon, so i have ta end here.
Will update you guys when i get back! (:

Phuket better be good!! ;D

p.s. oh. Manzees, if youre reading this.. Happy 17th birthday girl! =)

DJ got us falling sick again

2011-02-17T23:29:00.004+08:00

DJ Got Us Falling (Sick) Again

Hello readers!
Im back with a new post! haha.. (:

Last night i had a dinner date with Denisefireworks (HAHA) which tuned out to be pretty fun (;
Met at Nex Mall at 715pm and had Ichiban Boshi for dinner (;
Silly girl made some bet with her colleague not to eat any meat,
And if she broke her end of it she would have to squeeze her fats and say,
"im faaaatttt" everytime she entered their side of the office.
Hahaha. Wth. Lol

Had a good laugh with her, and felt the enlightenment that i hadn't felt for so long.. (:
It's quite strange how the strangest people can have the greatest effect you and make your day (:
Denisefireworks was so ADHD (hahaha) and kept whacking my face with her ponytail.
Ponytails are dangerous man.. the damage they do to your face. I got slapped at least 8 times..
Followed her to buy her stuff then we both went separate ways after that..

Met Shar and Gayu at PS and bought drinks..
Talked nonsense, waited for Charlotte and Gary.
At about 1130, Shar and i made our way to Phuture..
Gayu left cos she had to go home.
The music at Phuture was awesome!! (:
Met Soren there, some random guy from Denmark who offered Shar and i a job.. doing excel and stuff.. the pay wasn't bad.
Got 2 yager bombs, jack and coke and a beer.
Danced and got elbowed by the crowd. :/
Soren left ard 230 and i went outside t accompany Shar.
Loads of puking ppl were along the road

Went back in at 3 and continued dancing..
Strange guys kept looking at me and made me feel super uncomfortable.. :\
Enjoyed dancing even though it was just the two of us (;
Left at 4 after she got her sausage and mash.. slept around 5.

Today
I dreamt i was drinking/receiving free drinks in my dream. Quite a strange dream, but at least the drinks tasted gd.. (in my Dream HAHA)
Weird.. okay. Haha
Spent the day at home, sleeping, reading and trying to get well (:
Played Deal with sis when she got home (:
Slept a bit more before meeting Azu, Shar and Sharms for dinner at PS (:

Left the house feeling as though i was on fire and reached town around 745
Had KFC for dinner and crapped with those two (;
Had an enjoyable time.. soon Sharm's came.
Poor girl's still sick.. hope she gets well pronto!
We tried to buy our Bboy tix at Sistic but it had already closed.. :Z
Gotta go back tmrw.. sian..
Sat outside PS and talked more crap. :D

Charlina the stalker hit on Azu and it was highly entertaining..
Haha. the prankster better not get found out soon, when Azu gets her legs back she'll bash the daylights out of the prankster. Haha
Talked more and learnt of strange new secrets. Haha

Got GongCha and left PS at around 10
Youtubed, and facebooked and i think im gonna sleep soon..
Getting rather tired and i think its showing in my blogpost. Haha
I'll be back soon readers.. think i'll end here.

Cant wait for Phuket! =)

In a State of Repudiation

2011-02-16T00:34:00.005+08:00

In a State of Repudiation

Hi readers, im back!
Wanted to start on this post earlier (way earlier) but got held up by some malfunctioning cookies on my com. _|_
Just spent an hour trying to download the latest Internet Explorer 9, that failed to succeed, after which i updated my Flash Player which solved the problem.
Thank God!
If it hadn't solved itself before i left Sg, i'd be panicking when i get back!
Since i have less time to study for FTT (which is harder) than i had to prep for BTT!
Hmm.. hope i pass on my first try.. [:

Right.. so im still sick. Took tons of meds today which made me sleepy, feel like a sloth and kindaaa dead. Woke up around 9 to a beautiful morning greeting (: and went back to sleep. (see, pig in your midsstttt)
Jumped outta bed at 11, told myself not to be a pig and had a really short stack for breakfast. (:
Found myself having rather strange cravings from every culture of food again.
i feel like eating (more) pancakes, (: prata, murtabak, pepper crab, muah chee, nonya kueh.. omg. i feel worse than a pregnant woman. Haha!

After breakfast, decided to see a doc to get cured.
All the docs nearby were closed. Was it a PH or sth? what luck.
After trying for some time, i decided to go home. Could put time to better use. Haha
Went to read my socio book that i bought 2 years ago.
Sadly i only had time to read it after JC ended.. so my eyes feasted on it :D
Read until i felt drowsy and went to sleep!
Slept for 2 hours, got up, ate porridge for lunch and continued reading..
(:

Went to see the doc at Laguna Park that Wasnt closed (Thank God) and got some antibiotics and other stuff from her.
Not a very friendly doc though, kinda scary when she was touching me.
She looked rather evil. o.o

Moving on.. came home, took the meds and antibiotics w/o eating. Forgot to eat.
As a result, my stomach felt bloated and i felt even worse than before. Sad life, no meds pain, take meds, also pain. :Z
Okay, it was my fault.. haha. Hai -.-
Had a fish for dinner.
Literally speaking, just 1 fish. No rice, so sad. What's a life without rice.
No life.
):
Okay, i had 1/2 a fish. My sis had the other half. Mom had porridge.
We're all sick people at the moment. ):

Played deal with sis. Lost to sis.
I got trasheddddd!!!!!! >.< -squints
Spent the rest of the night talking to Manzees, KaiKai and making plans!
So busy.. ):
Anyway, on the bright side, im meeting Denise tmrw for dinner!
On the dark side, (hahaha dark side) at NEX AGGGAAIIINNNN!
(someone told me it was a sad thing i was spending my Vday at NEX.. i know! ):
But its okay, a special someone KNOCKED VDAY OUT OF THE PARK ;D
Details disclosed. (;
Still dizzy with glee.. ahahah. :P

Overall.. i think today was a super accomplished day!
So happy! =D
Haha.. this was a rather long post. Goodnight then readers..
Im going to bed now.. (:
Goodnight (:

akon akon

2011-02-06T22:54:00.005+08:00

I JUST HAD SEX IS RINGING IN MY SPIKEY HEAD

Good evening readers!

Had a blast today at East Coast at Mei En's surprise 22 and a 1/2 birthday party.

Woke up around 1230pm, did some house cleaning before going to set up earlier with Bev and Kenneth.

Im so busy this week! 3 parties to help out And organise for.. haha. Plus there's btt on weds too.. haha

Reached ECP at around 3pm and took out the picnic mats and food! The sun was so hot cos it was mid day!

Sat around and waited for the rest to join us.. Keith and Eileen came soon after. (:

The rest came abt 330-430. Haha super late.

At about 430, Mei En came cycling by with Michelle! She didnt see us/didnt see me video-ing her.. haha.

Michelle got a little lost and forgot where we were at so after awhile we shouted for them and Mei En cycled to us with a seriously confused face. Hahaha. It became even weirder when we started singing "Happy Half Birthday" cos her birthday's in September. Hahaha

But it was really fun nonetheless! (;

She was really shocked and i guess we pulled it off (;

After that, all of us ate egg sandwiches, chips, bread and other stuff.. ahah

We discussed about our family trip in April/May and a cousins' clubbing experience tgt soon. Haha.. so interesting!! xD

It was really funny cos the En family cant do loads of outdoor activities while overseas unlike the Tays & Hsus. Hahaha

We planned to go to the Great Barrier Reef in April/May to snorkle/dive. Hahaha

:P i hope it works out! i love snorkling!! :D

Slowly everyone began to leave and so we packed up our bags and departed the beach at 730pm!

Im feeling so tired now i can just lie down and sleep like a pig. Hahaha

And the downloading of songs was going So Slowly i could die! Hahaha.

Thankfully there was Dearest (you must smile if you see this and see.. im appreciating you in such an affectionate way (; ) Amanda who saved my heart from crashing into a million pieces hahaha as i had to dl several songs at least 4 times! -___-

THANKS BABY! (see im appreciating you again.. hahaha)

Okay then. Now that the songs are downloaded (at least some of em) i can go and rest and bathe.

Feel so grimy now its gross. Hahaha.

The song "I Just Had Sex" by AKON has been ringing in my head the entire day becos its so retarded and the MV made me laugh so much the other day! ahaha

But its such a gross song!! i shall not utter the lyrics here haha

Anyway, sorry readers i feel this has been such a boring post

Maybe its becos im feeling really tired =/ cant really think straight.

Okay, guess i'll go now.. might meet Azu and Shar tmrw after the reviewing the medical reports at Raffles Hosp.

Goodnight people (:

Happy CNY (:

244

2011-01-28T02:42:00.003+08:00

244

First post of the year.
Havent been on to blogger for the past few months, yet i didnt miss it. Haha
Im trying to recall the days when it was "necessary" for me to check blogger every other day, in case i'd miss posts my friends wrote.
Somehow i dont really get why it isnt as important a need anymore.. hmm.. then i came to the conclusion that i've changed and my interests and matters close to heart have been altered too.

Sometimes, when i look back, i really miss life in the past.
It mightve seemed reasonable to think life had been hard then, but then you can never see what's ahead of you.
When i think back now, it seems almost ridiculous and crazy that i Thought i was facing such a hard time in the past. Haha
Life seems so much harder now, im faced with so much more options and also so many more dead-ends.
I guess that's growing up. Sometimes i wish i'd never grow old. Be exactly like Peter Pan..
Pause life exactly at the moments when you never regretted anything, felt 100% content and giggly with joy.
I kind of miss that feeling. [:

You know, the questions that used to burn in my heart aren't really scorching me anymore..
I cant be bothered and although it's so much better (for me, and definitely for you)
Sometimes i just wanna ask "why?"
But then i think i'd already know the answer to that, deep in my heart although i wouldn't know how to tell another in direct, exact words.
I think it's a pity. But yeah.

Enough.

Im not going to go through it again. Even though i say.. "it wasn't worth it"
In that split second of reluctance, you Know it yourself somewhere in your conscience or your heart that i did not want to stop loving you
But i was in fact forced to by reality.

I Know i am better without you and i believe it now.

I wouldn't be better off loving someone who didn't care if i lived or died.
I wouldn't be better off loving someone who forgot every semblance and memory of what existed
I wouldn't be better off loving someone who pretended like it did not exist
I wouldn't be better off loving someone who wouldn't mind me hurting this much
I wouldn't be better off loving someone who made me feel this weak

And yet strong at the same time.

I wouldn't be better. Or better off.

Should've told you, but goodbye.
You are special because (at that time) i've never loved someone in a way that there would ever be another.
You made me realise that there is no such thing as 'meant to be' but taught me all about making it happen. (but truthfully, i have no idea if 'making it happen' really makes anything happen.)

And so we'll see.
Special is all you'll be.
To me

P.S. and i hope you see this, but if you do and you know it's about you, dont reply, i dont want anything anymore
the time for explaining or making things "right" is over
im gone

On a lighter and Much Brighter note.. (:
I spent the day looking after Copper and caught Burlesque with sharms (:
Drank with Shar and Azu at the Makansutra Place that apparently's losing money. Haha
Headed home and was supposed to sleep but ended up downloading MSN and blog hopping while posting this.

So i'll jump into the comfy (but dusty) bed and try to get some sleep before i have to jump Out of bed and into nicer clothes to go to Raffles Hospital for my medical check up tmrw.. haha
Right then, goodnight readers (:

Hopefully within the next few days i can do some serious thinking about what on Earth im going to study in Uni and finish prepping for the BTT that's in 2 weeks.. haha

bye! i can feel that it's going to be a good, brand new year (:

being re-born

2010-11-15T22:09:00.006+08:00

Being Re-born

hello, im back to blog.. it's been awhile.

i just had this thought that after the big A's are over, i'll get myself another diary and i'll continue to blog.

so i guess i just felt like blogging today..!

hmm.. ah ma came over to stay a few days back, and this time she stayed for 3 days

after several months, i guess the feeling of crippling fear can really get a strong hold of its grip on me. after i saw her in such a fragile state, my heart went out to her..

i remember when i was taking my PSLE, i was afraid she'd hurt herself or pass away during my exams and it'd affect me..

then that didnt happen (thankfully) and in 2008, i had the same thoughts again about the unfortunate happening during my O's (which then was the biggest academic deal of my life)

i was relieved i managed my exams without a single rock in my path

and yet, i harboured this similiar thought again during this year's Nationals and just before taking my A's.

sometimes, i just feel so incapable of helping and so incapable of making a Difference.

i miss her when she's not here

i hope she doesnt go so soon, it'll be a really big loss to me

i've been feeling misplaced lately, angry and out of sorts..

i wish there was someone 'right' who could just offer a listening ear, or someone who knew the right words that would unlock the tangles in my heart.

i dont mean youre not right, you are. maybe subconsciously i just cant hear you right Now, or maybe because your words just arent.. 'right'.

it isnt your fault.. maybe the problem simply lies with me

maybe i just need awhile.. to recouperate

but the recouperating doesnt mean anything, i dont intend for it to change anything

sorry, cant complete this post, the migraine is killing me..

goodnight

paper

2010-08-08T01:04:00.003+08:00

paper is flimsy and useless after a period of time
so are.. __

things do not make sense most of the time and yet your brain is cranking up 99% of the time
there is something missing in your life
which deprives it of making any sense at all
your life is a ball filled with broken pieces of paper
there is no way to open this complex ball, which happens to be your brain, and piece back pieces which are already broken.
paper cannot be naturally mended back together.

there has to be someone from the external,
lending you some scotchtape to Stick it back together.
you need some 'scotchtape'
to stick the pieces of paper together so you can read what's on it.

where is your life leading to.
hopefully the paper will tell.
hopefully there is the well needed scotchtape in your life

slice

2010-07-28T23:41:00.010+08:00

Slice of life

Azu and I at the DNA bridge. June

HAHA

during GP (: we took a freeze shot from the visualiser!

CHIJMES (:<

Damn Awesome cake

Underwater Scorpion haha

Tampines Sports Hall May

TJ Dance Concert April at RP (:

crap

2010-07-06T20:11:00.004+08:00

im about to start on my IS becos we have to see Seng this fri for consultation.
received my cse essay results today, and im extremely disappointed by my marks.
i know i spent more of my holidays brushing up on my lit and econs, but i didnt completely neglect cse too..
i just thought that since it was my strongest subject, it might be able to withstand jcts..
after today, i just felt like someone has beaten me with a huge stick.
i just didnt expect this Crap from myself at all and can you imagine, i even expected to maintain my grade for it?
my grades have sky rocketted downwards and it just affected my whole day.

it's like this. my strongest subject gone down the drain. what more of my weaker subjects..?
sigh.

i just wish life could be a straight line sometimes.
you take a turn and it'd lead you somewhere you actually wanna go.

i just cant smile through this. it's hit me hard.
sometimes i think if working so hard is even worth it at all..

goodnight people

be without you

2010-06-02T21:26:00.003+08:00

be without you

hello blog.. it's me.
i've decided to blog today, got some stuff on my mind that i need to let out.

met Kristle on sunday, after catching Prince of Persia.
studyed a little, and laughed a whole lot.
the day passed quickly but the night did not.
walked around PS with Kristle.. catching up and laughing quite a lot.
missed her like crap, and she looked quite different too.
but personality's still the same, same ole' same ole'.

went to Long John's and sat down, talked for a few hours more
kind of missed that, the back and forth conversation.
eventually, we got kicked out of Long John's and decided to head home.
couldnt part without giving each other 4 monster hugs at least, what i've been dying for since...
forever.
you've always been there, friend.
always been there to carry me up from the ground when things were at their worst.

been there to sharpen that knife of truth spared for my heart,
been there to make the passing easier
been there to laugh with..
even though we meet up like once in a few months, you still feel the same although slightly different at times. but it's okay. i know you'll still be here.

but someday i hope you'll smile. smile for the world. [: {: (:
you shouldnt be afraid of anything, afterall, you're always making me feel more brave and capable than i already am.
i really need to find some ways to thank you.

see you around. [;

-
maybe, sometimes why i cant paint the true picture of things for you to see is because i want you to know that im doing alright. i prefer you to behave normally even when things are tough for me. but you know you'll still be number one. number one to me.

couldnt express it in any other way
it's not her, it's you

party party

2010-05-21T23:08:00.002+08:00

Party party

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be,
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Party's tmrw.. i feel so lazy.
i havent done proper revision and work for a month since comps started, and im starting to feel really crappy about it.
whichever seniors i talk to in tj just make me feel shittier about myself.
i just need my real friends right now.. ppl who understand and are sensitive and who know what to say. kristle? shelley?
glad i'll be seeing you guys tmrw. i dont have many older jc friends that i keep in touch with.
friendships die.. apparently. haha. from my tone, you can probably tell that im not really happy about that.. haha.

i feel.. tired. everyday.
guess i'll sleep soon. no point staying up and feeling like dying..
im so glad everything with badminton is over. now there'll be no reason for me to get distracted.. and for me to waste time over.
i think i was really happy abt it until i started to chill. and i cant chill right now.. theres about 22/23 weeks left to A's.

shit. that just made me feel worse.
goodnight.

kristle, i really need my/your monster hug tmrw?
-breathes out

a truly worthy post

2010-05-04T22:46:00.004+08:00

a truly worthy post.

hmm.. today i saw different kinds of reactions towards that kind of feeling where you want to grab your heart and rip it out before you feel anything.. hurt/excitement/pain.. etc
it was quite interesting, because i remember dealing with it in calm manner.. calm composure, anticipating if the next shot was to be a goal, or a mistake.

the nervousness under my skin grew increasingly intense as the gap between the points narrowed. beside me, some bowed their heads and pretended that defeat wasnt theirs to know, while some others werent ready to accept defeat and simply got up and stood because their hearts couldnt deal with the excitement that was teeming. on my left, other's continued to shout and cheer their teammate on, and this triggered me to give my utmost support too.

then something hit me. i realised that we werent a team. it was clearly evident. some of them were at the side shouting words and advice to a deafening ear that was probably too caught up with the current state of things within the court. firstly, we werent seated together and we werent anticipating the next shot-winning or losing, together. we were dispersed.. and that didnt make me feel a sense of togetherness.. instead, it made me feel more alone.

on the otherhand, the opposing team, even while losing points, remained in-tact, as one. although not as loud, there was smth about them that made me feel.. like they all depended on each other.
i felt a little empty, but didnt feel compelled to share this opinion.

after that, i was suddenly brought back to the time in 2007 when PL played against SCGS to fight for the top 4. i remember that year's b div really well because it was my first year in my secondary school years not getting into top 4 because of an unlucky draw. i remember that the feeling i felt today was roughly the same as that time, when i played the second doubles with bernice against SCGS's sarah and joanna doubles pair at that time.

defeat couldnt have felt worse. i remember feeling so empty after we lost and i remember ruiyi, anna, eliza, tiffany and azureen crying. we were a really strong team that year and the prospects of top 4 couldnt have been better. but what i remember most vividly was, as the final shots were played, even though we were losing, i remember seeing my whole team's eyes focused on the same goal, the same shuttle, and the same players. i felt stronger because they were behind me. no matter what. even though we lost, even though we hurt, we still felt happy cos of each other's company.

today, that was smth i didnt feel.

after the game was lost, the team did not come together and they did not cheer the last player on as a team. everyone looked sullen, and everyone was hurting, i know, but we have to hold our heads up no matter what the outcome right? that's the true mark of a great sportsman. to smile through defeat. i didnt see any of that, and i realised the huge difference of.. "win or lose we'll praise the Lord."

that cheer means so much more right now

and so. after losing the SCGS match 2-3, my crying teammates still sat on that long, brown wooden bench and received bern and i with warm and loving arms, with half smiles, and aching hearts. it was upsetting to have lost the match against SCGS, but everything was still good because we knew they had forgiven us. and by receiving us, it showed me that there was more to us than trophies and hard work. right then at that moment, we bonded.

and who knew the next year(2008) out of those who remained, we'd emerge as champions who succeeded in reaching the top4 even though there were so many other better schools with better players.
what mattered was that we had a better team than the rest. a team that stays together.

(:

pods

2010-04-20T23:14:00.002+08:00

somewhat like pods

hello blog, it's been awhile.

so ppl have been asking me to update about my life, it's been.. fine. i guess?
manage-able? sorta..
hmm..

besides my latest assignments, angst from certain things and MCT results, i guess everything's been rather okay. you make me look forward to life, to school. without you, idk where i'll be.

its been glaring in my face. how selfish some ppl can be.. without even trying. some ppl whom you thought were your close friends but who turned out to be a disappointment because they didnt do something right, or let's say.. even bothered to care. a lot of these have been surfacing lately, and not only to me. it frustrates me how you can be so selfish and still ask the same of someone else, (to care and be ard for you) when you dont bother at all about how sucky he/she's doing..

i just cant take the hypocrisy and skin deep relationships that're out there. i tried to be the best that i can be to everyone out there, but in reality you've gotta be aware that they're people who dont even come close to thinking of helping you. pretty selfish and self centred but that's the cold hard truth. the truth is never easy to take..

its been even more difficult to be motivated about anything recently. sometimes i cant wait for everything to be over so i can have some time to breathe. sometimes i feel like im hurting so much that i couldnt be any more hurt by anything else that you've got for me. its hard to be happy when you know youre going to fall. i think you should be a little more appreciative for what i've done. even a little "thanks" would be nice.

my favourite colour has changed to grey and blue. i think colours reflect people's personalities and mine's definitely changed. yellow still makes me happy though (: (for life i think.. haha)

everyone thinks they understand when they dont. they dont say the right things, or let's just put it simply, do they even bother? im talking about ppl who're with me everyday not those who are obviously far away(it cant be helped?) so, i guess it's alright.

it helps me be more self reliant this way. but kinda sad though. the people ard you are just too busy for anyone else. goodnight, and by the way, i miss you <3

mountains

2010-04-11T15:22:00.002+08:00

you used to mean mountains to me..
before my realisation that it was all a hoax. apt.. haha

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do.

-Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

photos

2010-02-27T19:19:00.006+08:00

CNY carnival @ TJ (:

L-R: Theresa, Stacey, Sharmos

Mong's V day cupcake to me! so nice! =D it had different layers of colours! green.. orange.. yellow :D hahaha bake for me my bday cake this year! haha!

the day i caught a frog! hahahaha it was croaking.. hahah!

Mr Wong my form teacher.. so cute^

ahhaha

Go Green Day class lunch (:

first half of the table (:

second half of the table (:

3309 =)

18 chefs glass wall with all our signatures on it! (;

jump shots (:

L-R: Me, Eileen, Ann

it was Pan's 18th bday on Go Green Day! haha lols

love this pic ((:

:D so funnnnnn

blackie and i (:

i was shouting for the j1s to get outta the way. hahahah LOLS

Mass Dance @ Suntec (:

after touching the water that was supposed to bring luck, haha!

OG17 + OGLs (:

original OG17 :D

im happy i went with em on that thursday ;D

those who accompanied me on O Nite (:

was wearing Ann;s gay pink jacket!

surf and sweat (:

L-R: Theresa, Sharmos, Me, Mong, Chloe, Eugenia, Mrs Goh

Steamboat last week (;

L-R: Pan, Ann, Zhujun (:

steamboat grp:

L-R: Ann, Pan, Blackie, Me, Singchuen, Zhiqi

mini prawn

HAHA this is the NORM for ZQ

worn me down

2010-02-23T21:02:00.002+08:00

Rachel Yamagata - worn me down

Gone, she's gone
How do you feel about it
That's what I thought
You're real torn up about it
And I wish you the best
But I could do without it
And I will, because you've worn me down
Oh, I will, because you've worn me down

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No, you can't stop thinking about her

And you're wrong, you're wrong
I'm not overreacting
Something is off
Why don't we ever believe ourselves
And I, oh, I feel that word for you
And I will, because you've worn me down
Oh, I will because you have worn me down

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No, you can't stop thinking about her

She's so pretty; she's so damn right
But I'm so tired of thinking
About her tonight

-

I've been thinking, and i hardly have the time to blog now,
so i've decided that im not going to blog anymore, since hardly anyone reads this blog anyway,
and hardly any of my friends comment too.

I used to blog (not everyday but at least thrice a week)
because everyday school was fun to blog about,
things were Interesting, life was still fun and insane ("fucking insane in PL i swear" quoted from azu!!)
(oh mind the f word, i know ppl in tj are very sensitive abt the word, its just a word, and i guess if you dont like seeing the effff word dont read my blog then. haaha.)
and blogging Felt worthwhile, like recording a part of my life down so i'll be able to re-read it again whenever i wanted to and laugh over the moments that made me chuckle and smile to myself, and yet not so private that i'd record it down here.
of course i aint that silly about recording private stuff in a public place.
duh, what are diaries for then.

haha, but well.. it's been about 3 years since i first started saying that i'd stop blogging/stop blogging soon..
but it never really happened.
so yeah, i think it's about to happen now..
i think im going to stop blogging completely,
blogging isnt as worthwhile as it used to be, and confiding in piece of metal isnt exactly very nice.. its like re-saying everything that's going on to yourself, only paradoxically, its also re-telling your story to the world as well.
haha.

maybe this'll be my last post readers.
if i post, i might just post up pictures from random times in my life, hahaahaha
im sure i'll still look the same next year. (my look never seems to change!!!)
this blog has been somewhat special to me for the last 6 years, (:
and even the URL brings back a Truckload of joyful memories that makes me smile everytime i think about its creation.

hahaa, but since i dont think so much about the past now, i cant really remember exactly what happened.
STM taking effect again. haha. anyway, its better being left alone.
'Ignorance Is Bliss' will always be relevant to me. haha less now albeit more so in the past.
[;

well then, goodbye blog.
in some way, its sorta like saying goodbye to you too. again.
GOODbye [:

piss off.

2010-02-20T20:16:00.002+08:00

This is a post that's meant for certain people to view if they arent already seeing this.

1. I AM TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SOMEONE ELSE'S KEEPER.
2. I AM TIRED OF RECEIVING THE BLAME.
3. I AM LOSING MY PATIENCE that has been wearing Thinner and Thinner for the past YEAR or SO.
4. I MADE A MISTAKE. OF TRYING TO STRIKE UP WHATEVER IS CLOSE TO A RELATIONSHIP.
5. I FEEL STUPID FOR THINKING I WOULD GET IT LIGHTER.
6. I THINK YOU ARE EXTREMELY JUDGEMENTAL, OFFENSIVE, AND INSENSITIVE TO OTHERS.
7. I DO NOT MIND IF YOU SEE THIS BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DESERVE TO HAVE THESE JUDGEMENTS THROWN IN YOUR FACE.
8. I DO NOT THINK YOU LOWER THAN ANY OTHER HUMAN.
9. I HAVE KEPT THIS INSIDE FOR TOO LONG.
10. I NEED YOU TO STOP INSULTING/TAUNTING/MAKING A FOOL OF ME.
11. I HAVE MY REASONS FOR CERTAIN THINGS THAT I WILL NEVER EXPLAIN TO YOU(GUESS WHY)
12. I FEEL RETARDED.
13. YOU ARE ONNN THE EDGE OF MY NERVES, AND I DONT LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU EITHER.
14. I AM TOO BUSY TO BE THINKING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR RUBBISH. YOU ARE NOT EVEN ON MY LIST OF IMPORTANT THINGS. BUT THE THINGS YOU EXAGGERATE ABOUT AND MAKE A HUGE CONCERN OF OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES ARE INDEED TRIVIAL. GET A DAMN GRIP.
15. THINK OF OTHERS.
16. LASTLY BUT NOT LEAST, I AM ANGRY. AND THIS ANGER, IS PENT-UP, WHICH MEANS IT IS MORE DEADLY.

.

What's most disappointing?
to the person who needs you the most,
you are just an empty seat.

shit work

2010-02-19T23:45:00.003+08:00

when can i rest?

heyyy readers!
Friday's almost over. Hello Saturday.

Although today was TGIF day, i didnt really feel that way.
had Loads of stuff to do, with tight deadlines too..
the stress made me so tired this week, i cant even remember the simplest of things now.
i can only recall the super duper duper complex stuff, and remember it well.
its kinda sad my brain's turnin' out thatta wayyyy.

ive no idea how many pieces of CSE homework i'd done in the last week.
4,5? essay outlines and essays and mind maps.. really driving me NUTS. literally.. crazy. ahha
been putting off econs and lit to focus on CSE, i'd better produce results then.
math is getting so argh nowadays.. my teacher's voice is so monotone.. its like this man.

----------------------------- throughout for 50 whole damn mins. kill me.
zhujun and i are like -____------ every lesson. LOLS

okay, just when i thought im free to sleep, i have to deal with somemore shit now.
damn it.
goodnight

-off to do more work, which isnt exactly very stimulative for the brain.

your expectations are too high

dreaming with a broken heart

2010-02-14T01:48:00.002+08:00

dreaming with a broken heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not,
'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

bouncy

2010-02-13T12:47:00.003+08:00

suddenly i feel all bouncy inside

today is SATURDAY.
hoorah. (:

im really glad last week's jammed-packed sch week has ended, alas!
(:

thur: mass dance with og17 at suntec!
friday: nus cse seminar + o nite in sch till late
sat: go green day + class lunch at 18 chefs for pan's 18th bday!
sun: surf and sweat
mon: absent, had a fever (reminds me of the fever cheer at slc. LOL)
tue: Ng dropped the bomb that my IS simply cmi.
----> panic panic <----
chionged IS the whole night, slept at 3am
was so stressed i forgot sch starts at 805am on wed, and went to sch at 725am
wed: Ng had CG bonding with his J1 class so i simply couldnt see him. MIA
after sewing the temasek tapestry tgt, zhiqi and i went to find Ng to get him to vet our ISes Again
wed night: came home and changed some stuff again, slept at 2am
thur: IS is finally Off my mind, for awhile at least..
didnt study much for econs test, hope i do okay
fri: CNY carnival and road run, got a scolding from Seng. Spoiler.. hmm.
went to ion to try to cut my hair too but everywhere was so expensive!

today is Finally saturday!
a day of rest.. (:
but all i wanna do is get down to my tons of hw =/
- 1 CSE full length essay no less than 4 pages wtf , 3 essay outlines by WED
- 2 econs drqs, 1 re-do essay by IDC WHEN LOL
- binomial tutorial for math
- earnest and oranges reading qns for lit, earnest by WED

that's Just hw ):
i havent even started studying and im supposed to get my MCT revision schedule up by this week! (personal deadline)
OKAY, tight deadlines.. but I CAN DO IT!
(:

gosh, dont know how come im so motivated about sch work this year.
its cool! (:

take care, im going off to go read my theme 4 readings now, such a thick stack.
see ya (:

nice pic

2010-02-06T15:50:00.003+08:00

I need this NOW

going to NUS soon
[:

bleah

2010-02-04T17:42:00.002+08:00

where are you right now?

Today was the most tiring day of the year (so far)
i slept for ard 7-7.5 hrs, not bad i think, if i had to rush my IS proposal last night for Seng and chiong to go to sleep after trng, while gobbling down my dinner.
fell asleep during econs lect, math tutorial, wait, that's almost everything. haha
stoned during gp and chinese.

going to suntect now for the mass dance thing,
kinda lame but i just wanna go cos i missed out last year. haha
wanna feel the chill atmosphere too.. haha

bye everyone

defeat sucks

2010-02-01T22:31:00.002+08:00

defeat sucks

it isn't exactly defeat, it's just this long gone feeling that's back again that's leaving me feeling this way, again.
i just couldn't find another appropriate word to describe how i felt so, yeah, defeat sucks.
im feeling defeated in some way anyway, just not the usual way ppl will think it means

i hate it when i feel this way.
i wish someone could understand and say smth nice

im going to bed, IS is too sian for me now,
goodnight folks, there're only four more days for this week

this feeling: a metaphorical heart burn that comes solely, from oneself.

last day of serenity!

2010-01-27T22:06:00.003+08:00

Last Day of Serenity

): hello readers,
today marks the VERY LAST DAY of the J2 dominion.
heehee. im feeling a little sad and like shucks that the J1s are coming in..
1. no more EMPTY canteens throughout the day except break
2. no more EMPTY libraries
3. no more seeing every familiar faces every day in sch.
4. COMPETITION FOR FOOD during breaks/lunch will be at an ALL TIME HIGH! D:< NOOOO

))):

a new sea of faces and green uniforms will now flood the assembly ground every morning, and everything's gonna change again.
BUT. i feel and think this change's going to be a good one. this year i feel like TJ has become somewhat more popular and "lovable" than last year.
i think the SC, HC and all the student leaders have become much more bonded as One whole student body and they will be able to gel everyone together tmrw.
i do hope, that even while im furiously scrambling to get all my hw done, panicking over deadlines, complaining about the exhaustion everyone's feeling,
i will be able to raise my head happily and appreciate those i have around me, and feel "at home" when i see the familiar faces in sch, and be able to smile at anyone and encourage anyone i see. even if he/she is a stranger.

haha. one inside fact about me is that i love to smile/encourage strangers even though i dont know em. it just feels good to do it. (:

ah well, so if you're really skeptical about me being positive and stuff, here's evidence that i am.
so goodnight, and im kinda looking forward to tmrw. (:

things i did in school today:
-appreciated the morning as the last morning with a whole blank space beside my class.. (no J1s yet)
-its quite fun cos everyday i can see all the almost late comers run and run. hahaaha XD!
-during GP 3309 cam-whored (aka OUR LAST DAY OF SERENITY) HAHA
-cam-whored with blackie and ann (they both sat beside me)
-zhujun explained to me the GREAT SIGNIFICANCE AN HOUR OF SLEEP CAN MAKE. im serious. you should try it. try sleeping one hr later, and the next day you wont survive it, haha.
and if you sleep an hour earlier, although its just ONE hour it makes a WHOLE LOT of difference. haha. i told her i realised the importance of sleeping earlier this year too. hahaha
-had this debate with my cse gang about religion and all. quite engaging and informative! (: enjoyed it
-had student leaders briefing in LT2, alvina from netball was really funny haha
-talked with ann after school at GNC, and i really love her company.

(:

i feel Really comfortable around you! =D
love you babe.
not forgetting blackie, i love you too. (:

goodnight people, econs notes are calling me.
): nights!

:D

2010-01-27T00:36:00.002+08:00

:D this was a happy moment in my life

goodnight !

you know you know

2010-01-27T00:28:00.002+08:00

you knw you knw ...

im being positive by saying...
i wanna do well for econs for MCTS, JCTS and PRELIMS because...
i ABSOLUTELY do not want to attend remedial for econs by.....
DOCTOR A.

(:

and...
im starting to relax during cse lessons, finally!

and, i was just talking to nerizza,
PW brings out the worst in people.
that's my ONE&ONLY motto for PW. haha.

still talking online, should head to bed soon..
goodnight lovelies (:

singing in the rain

2010-01-24T23:19:00.002+08:00

i wanna sing sing sing sing (:

today was the best day of my week.
BEST DAY (:

it's monday tmrw, right, be positive (:

nod cha head!

2010-01-24T10:26:00.003+08:00

everybody say, nod cha head! and the black suit's comin'...

for no reason, i just feel like singing now (:

-hums

oh, what's with the tapping of the feet!

:DD

yes i'd rather feel hurt than feel nothing at all

2010-01-24T00:01:00.001+08:00

Yes I'd rather feel hurt than feel nothing at all

so, today is saturday.
slept pretty early ytd and woke up super early this morning. 730! haha
sleep replied zhujun's (black's) text message. (:

left the house at 945am for tuition at northbridge centre, suffered the whole time at tuition because i didnt understand what my econs tutor was saying at all! haha
then after lesson i clarified with her and realised that i hadn't learnt that part of info yet- at all.
ahha, so i guess that's nowonder why i've been feeling lost for two weeks.

after econs ended at twelve, i rushed to bras basah complex to have lunch, and had cse tuition at 1pm.
xinxuan baba's senior taught me. she was full of zest and complains of.. erm hem.. hahaha
but yeh, i share those worries/problems/complains too so i just shut up that's why ehhh hemm wishes i'll speak more in class. LOL
anyway, aside that, i think tuition benefitted me A LOT =DD
it was much clearer for me and i began to see some god forsaken LIGHT for cse.
LOL
(:

after tuition ended at 3pm, i contemplated not heading over to blackie's house bec i was feeling extremely tired by then already. haha
but i didnt let her down in the end and went!
ah if you see this zhujun i totally went to make you happy okay!
i was going to have other plans.. ahha EG; RELAXATION. LOL
so i trained down to eunos to meet zhuzhu
ann couldnt make it at the last minute.
(ANN, we missed you! and we're kidnapping you next week hahaha :D )

did zuowen hw, GP summary and im supposed to do my lit essay but i gave up haha.
my brain's extremely fried already.. lols.
i might continue later after this post.
otherwise i'll have a lit essay, econs ws, study for econs, annotations for oranges chpt 1, compilation of cse articles by MONDAY.
):
okay the lit essay's due tuesday but i know i dont have a scrap of time on mon ):

haha okay.
i wonder how next week will go.
(:

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

Yes I'd rather feel hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

thursday thursday

2010-01-21T09:49:00.002+08:00

Somewhere you'll never reach me

gooood morningggg people, (:

im doing my IS now in school, today's thursday and tmrw will be TGIF (:
time for me to rest.
okay this is gonna be a short one, i have lessons in an hour..
econs lect, math and cse tutorial.
then a break before GP and lovely chinese till 440.
haha, i hope chinese is good, so long as it doesn't ruin my mood!

have a moderate amt of hmwk this weekend,
mugging with ann and blackie on sat again.
(((:

i love em
<3

short post

2010-01-20T01:32:00.002+08:00

still up reading earnest, giving up soon.
chatting with Annm online, love you babe!

(:

goodnight world
it's perfect for sleeping tonight

update update!
was giving Annm my url again cos we cant link each other, and then i typed
www.thisipromiseyou.blogspot.com
HAHAHA
and i just went :O the the page.

name: JESUS.

HAHAHAHA x1000

fruitcake

2010-01-19T19:11:00.003+08:00

fruitcake.. HAHA

haha i know, why choose such a title for today's post?
it's an inside joke that only my lit dudes will know.
HAHA

hmm.. so today's timetable was hellish.
i just got home ard less than an hour ago and im gonna blog for awhile before eating dinner and heading to the books.
only two words,
DAMN TIRING.
tuesday is the worse DAY in my life in TJ.
i can promise you it's the worse day because i've never ended before 4pm on tuesday before unless you're counting tournie days that i still have to come back to sch for trng(wt freaking heck) after the damn tournie.
hahaha a lot of anger in that sentence yeah. hahaha

but im feeling good about it!
i made it through, 8 more weeks of term 1 = hellish timetable.
im patiently waiting for A lvl results to be released and i just found out today that it will only be released in March. so.. it'll be a long wait.
and that'll mean longer chinese lessons.
haha, hmm.. but smth changed my attitude towards chinese lessons today! haha!

after PE earlier, i was cooling down when i saw Gen (i've been seeing her like 5 times a day every single day) and i started talking to her abt chinese class. hahaha
then i realised, that it wouldnt be so bad, cos there'll be fun ppl there afterall. haha!
and then i realised Joel goes for chinese too. hahaha.
so yeah, it'll surely be fun. hahaha!
on top of that, she said i'll know many ppl there because they were all from sports.. haha!
AH, so im going for chinese on thursday.
im convinced that it wouldnt be that lame afterall.. haha.

(:

so tues sucks because for the entire day, i have double GP, triple lit, and double econs before PE which'll mark the End of the day. ahah.
it's really tough, but my positive spirit is still hanging in there.. haha..
(;

haha. my classmates are so sweet and cute.
ytd was eileen's 18th bday and so blackie and her geog gang bought eileen a cake and card. hahaha.
then when they went "happy birthday eileeeeennn"
she was like "my bday's not till next month hahahaha"
omg blackieeee blur ttm. hahaha!
so cute man, LOLS anyway its the thought that counts (;

it's the small little things they do that keep me going and wanting to come back to school. (:

anyway, things are on the bright side for cse!
my question got approved ytd but im still looking for sources!
Eugenia dropped in for lesson today to help us with resources and she's helped me with my benchmarks.. gotta do up my proposal form by thur cos mr Ng wants to see it.
hope everything goes well! (:

GP was really interesting today, i think the reason why this year's started out on a relatively good note's cos of my GP tutor!
she makes us laugh and is really really engaging during her lessons with relevant stuff that's really helpful!
im starting to dream of an A (:
it's a Really good start! (;

Lit tutorial was really interesting too.
we dealt with Oranges and we had a discussion on its controversy. haha
the viewpoints that my classmates shared were really insightful!
and the time passed without me even checking my watch. (:
this is why lit is such a special subject.. (:
at some point, everyone will feel 'at one' with each other in your thoughts and sometimes you feel like family, even though the issues we usually deal with are social issues that most of the time are very debatable and controversial in JC.
Lit night's on 4 march! i hope we dont have comps on that day, 2 famous poets are coming!
love! :D

I think it was Lit that made me survive Econs double tutorial,
to keep things "optimistic" my tutor told us that some of us could leave sch and change course if we thought economics wasnt for us. haha.
he also said that we would get a fail if we continued not processing what was taught during lessons. haha.
i was thinking, none of us are Unwilling to learn, so maybe why doesnt he Try to understand why we dont understand and also change his approach to lessons?
anyway, yeah. i shall stop boring you with my thoughts. haha.

i've been really optimistic during his lessons this year. i've been giving him paramount attention and have left all the negative thoughts of J1 behind!
i've tried to do all the assignments he's given.. so far, and tried to appeal to his better side more.
(meaning, i've been trying to make me dislike me less)
ah well, hope things change because i do not want to have to come back for remedial after MCTs.

been studying a lot more and everything's more balanced this year(so far) so that's good.
im feeling happy about the way school is right now (:
im not going to let anyone get me feeling down at this point!
it's too good a chance to let the time fly by, wasted on rubbish
i'll need to be positive so it can cushion all the nonsense that arrives later on.

meaning, failures.. hahahaha. best not to think about failures right now.
I'VE GOTTA JUST BE AS HAPPY AS I CAN (:

anyway, thanks blackie for comforting me (:
it was a simple shoulder kinda semi hug, but it was sweet (:

goodnight world,
im gonna eat my hokkien mee now and finish reading earnest ( which is such a retarded book- i love it! :D )

exhaustion, not just yet

2010-01-14T09:25:00.003+08:00

exhaustion, not just yet

only a few days since school has started, yet im feelin so tired.

i think i made an unspoken rule/promise to myself since the year started
and i think it's unfolding itself quite well, even though certain things are going on.
ytd's civics lesson was more interesting than expected, and had fun with ann, piranha, wu gui and eileen (:

managed to do one AQ before trng,
was hanging out with sabrina and was trying to feel her abs. hahahaha.
damn it, bowler.! haha!

hung out with si zi and did some work with her at the marquee.
made new friends too becos i was just feeling so crappy. haha
later when it rained, i joined yu cheng at the canteen to complete my gp hmwk!
he conquered his fear of mushrooms (: hahaha

have one more AQ to do today after gym..
not too bad!
and then tmrw will be TGIF (:

having tuition on sat and sun, somehow, it doesnt feel so sian.. haha
right, be positive!

thank you for being there.
(:

and to add, mr NG just sneaked up behind me and asked me why im so tired.

OMG. he was reading my blog and i didnt know cos i had music plugged in.
haha! funnnnny incident he is always sneaking up on me! AH.

you're something worth livin' for

2010-01-12T00:40:00.002+08:00

you're something worth livin' for (:

I don't wanna leave you here all by yourself
I just wanna let you know I'm there for you like no-one else
I don't wanna drift off to another place
I just wanna lay here in your arms with your hand on my face

So let's not ever tell the moon about the sun
I'll keep hearing love songs, hoping every wrong's undone
It's foolish but we've only just begun
I don't wanna stop this, all my walls are caving in

I wanna give you something worth living for
I wanna tell you this and so much more

heart's spinnin'

2010-01-08T00:41:00.002+08:00

heart's spinnin'

hello, im back from tjbt's first official camp of the year.
im going to sleep about now, feeling extremely bummed and i need some rest.

haha i realised that i typed that nearly 2 hrs ago.
D: its 2:39am now
it's insane, im so tired but im Not heading to bed.
just read a friend's old blog archives, and it reminded me of my old times in PL too,
specifically zooming in on various impt moments that mattered and that made me bubble with excitement and cackle with contagious laughter (:

it feels so different being in a co-ed school, and even if im able to have fun in tj right now,
i know nothing will ever replace the some of the best moments of my life which took place in PL.
it's a different kind of fun, but it can never be as unique and as special as the times i had in PL.
im so glad to have met so many special people in PL that i still keep in touch with, until now..
people im truly blessed to have met in this lifetime (:

anyway, actually the main objective of blogging was to dedicate smth to my friend Denise (;
but i kinda digressed [; sorry haha

hello you, i do hope what i said earlier helped,
dont be discouraged alright, everything will be better soon! (;
dont force it, and with patience and perseverance someone will recognise your efforts soon and i'll come down for your dance concert in April k! (:
though we just became friends not too long ago, i do hope that i'll be able to help in whatever way that i can (;
just be available and i hope we dont chat over fb so much! msn is much easier! (:

haha.
goodnight dearest Denise.
(you're probably sleeping away, dreaming about dance choreography right now)

with love and concern, chicken backside (this is just for you, im only gon say this ONCE publicly :P)

semester's coming soon

2010-01-04T01:47:00.002+08:00

semester's coming soon

So I would like to mention
I work up in my room
Alone your always welcome
Next week my mum's away
So now my futures brightened
I'd ask to have you stay
If I wasn't so frightened.

:D

hello people, i've been sleeping at ungodly hours again.
hahaa im gonna have a hard time at trng camp. LOL
i wake up on average at 12-2pm. haha or i wake up in the morning to do some work and then go back to bed again a few hours later. haha

cant explain what's tiring me. haha lols

just stopped doing gp at 130am, gonna blog and sleep sooon.
msn is so good for chatting. you can chat at your own time and it wont be awkward.. haha
chatted with an old friend today.

woke up, had math ttn, so happy i could do all the promo papers log qns.
whoo hoooo (:
then slept for 3 hrs and helped my dad with parts of the house.
watched hsm3 and then went for dinner at upp east coast road and then home to watch spiderman3 and do GP after. haha

okay, i'll end here,
goodnight (:

<3 1

2010-01-02T03:11:00.003+08:00

2 JAN

haha, first post of the year!

one thing to say: im hungry xD

chatting with denise on FB now, cos she's too lazy to go online.
talking about random stuff, cos i cant sleep.

meeting azu tmrw at town to cut hair and hang out..
FINALLY
(: after so long, i think i only hung out with her once or twice last year
and a few times in 2008 only, other than when she came back for trngs.
god, i really forgot how much i missed her!

everyday, of our lives,
wanna find you there
wanna hold on tight (:

should meet annmarie (ann) soon.
she has wii!
-cue
should go over and play.. ahah (;

you knw, normally ppl start off the year with new year resolutions, but im gonna start the year with messages to certain ppl i've thought of in the last couple of hours on 31 dec 2009. [:

to a few random homosapiens on this grey grey earth:

=> person no #1
i could name every reason i have to protect you from the scorn you deserve, because somehow, deep inside me, i want the picture of you in my mind to remain flawless. somehow, i suddenly feel you arent as perfect as i believed you were before. but.. perhaps my deductions were wrong and you are really too perfect. or, maybe you really arent as great as i thought you were.
anyway, im glad i know what i know, doesnt change a thing, except how i feel about you, which doesnt really matter actually, since i dont talk to you anymore

=> person no #2
i hope youre happy and having a great time counting down (;

=> person no #3
you're as annoying as a fly and i wish i could smack you, you couldnt get more selfish than you already are. the world is worse with you in it because i dont think you realise that you are being
-selfish
-childish
-immature
i dont think i've anything to say to you when i see you.

=> person no #4
i want you to hug me

that's about it.. haha
with a new year comes new experiences, and hopefully everything dull in 2009 will fade away and 2010 will be a better year (;

still chatting with denise on fb. haha!
im getting tired.
goodnight peeps [:

<3

2009-12-30T02:05:00.003+08:00

<3

you're like the fire that keeps me warm
whenever i walk through a storm
you're always there to ensure im alright
whenever i have hardly any strength to put up a fight
you know just what to do whenever i dont
life is now an easier load to hold (:
its a joy to know you'll hold my hand
endlessly, through the thick and thin in life.

hugs (:

2009-12-30T00:49:00.005+08:00

On the first day of christmas my true love gave to me...

(:

so, im back! aha
decided to blog again..
had dinner with my slc awesome threesome mates last monday at T3 at changi airport!
had a ball of a time and felt the entire slc camp spirit again (:
yippee, we crapped and talked about really random stuff, comparing food prices and being cheapo, to commenting abt the difference in lengths of knives(when there wasnt actually any diff in reality.. LOL) and the colour of ketchup.
amazing ayee??

at times i find this kind of talk one of the most relaxing and brainless.
well, that's cos it is brainless. haha hmm.. lols
video-ed most of the dinner and had fun video-ing cos awesome threesome not only cam-whored! we learnt the new skill of video-whoring too! hahas. (x

I LOVE YOU AWESOME THREESOMEEEEE (:

hm.. well let's switch over to something more recent.
movie marathon on sunday with the girls was fun (:
ah mong came, sharmsietofu, audsama, and THEresamama came.
had lunch at pastamania at PP, met up with ah mong a lil late but i wasnt the worst!
THE came slightly after i arrived and audsama before sharmsietofu.
sharmsietofu was the best, she forgot that we were meeting at 12 despite me smsing her twice the day before. actually she lost track of time. haha, but then sharmsietofu came at 1 o clock.
not too bad for her mistake la. it wouldve been bad if it was 3pm or sth. LOL

so we ate, then smth hilarious happened. ah mong asked sharmsie.
ah mong: "whats that?"
sharmsie: "my dinner"
ah mong/everyone at table(wait, cept audsama i think. lol): "what??!"
sharmsie: -smiles and looks awkward "its my dinner, i dont have money"
ah mong/everyone: "what?!!!!!! are you serious?"
sharmsie: -looks like she's just seen a pot of nobody's gold "yaaah why? its my dinner, yeah"
ah mong/everyone: -still stunned/laughing

so cute ah sharmsietofu
hahaha i said she prolly cooked it herself right? hahaha. lols
then she flashed a -totally-yes-i-am-very-happy-of-my-own-homemade-pasta-face
AH so adorable :D congrats sharmsietofu :D

and she brought a warmer.
AHHHH ADORABLE SHARMSIE.
paddy: "whats that? -points at the black cover"
sharmsie: "oh, its to keep my food warm"
paddy: "cant you just warm it up at my place?"
sharmsie: "haha it'll be warm in that"
paddy: "lols"

so we went to giant after lunch to pick up snacks and such.
audsama accompanied sharmsietofu to the toilet and ah mong, THE and i went to get a trolley.
ah mong made a really funny noise when she almost dropped the dollar meant for the trolley and i nearly laughed till the whole of PP could hear me.
haha. the sound she made was nearly undescribable. hahaha.

hmm. so THE, ah mong and i went into giant and planned to hide from sharmsietofu and audsama cos the both of em are blur. haha.
we wanted to play hide and seek and see if they could seek us out. ahahaha!
okay they werent that blur in the end and found us. so not fun alr.

we bought jelly, seaweed and chips then headed to the drinks section.
got juices and went to the fruits section.
we bought apples! haha some US brand of apple that turned out not to be very nice. haha
then i saw this apple that had a christmas tree on its skin! omgosh it was so cool!
it wasnt cut or printed or anything, i've never seen anything like that in my life!
really awesome! LOL ^
got some strawberries and left.

got the cabbie to take 5 of us back to my place (:
watched The Ugly Truth, Enchanted, Step Up and Changeling.
Changeling's damn freaking and UGLY i tell you. ah i wouldnt recommend anyone to watch it.
displays all the ugly sides to ppl and the realities of life. zero stars. hmm.. haha

had a stayover, we woke up really late. got out of bed at 3pm. hahaha!
audsama said she'd wake up at 3. accurate huh!
haha, went for lunch at PP(again)
cooked food was nice (:

went to sharmsietofu's house to chill..
finished [taming] to act 3 and YAY im finishing the damn book.
so much more enjoyable to read compared to WSS or duffy honestly.
((: yay
and we watched Up at night.
such a nice show sharmsietofu and i were going aww/ohhh throughout the movie haha.
left her place and went to PP(again)
headed home soon after, dad picked me up.

today

training was tiring
and i hope things will get bettter sooon!
gym tmrw morning, i better sleep now, it's so late [:

goodnight everyone, this has been a really long post!
night <3

ah mong killing me on acsi's big green field (;

aint no christmas spirit this year!

2009-12-19T15:39:00.002+08:00

there ain't no christmas spirit this year :O

i'll be going for the PLBT gathering soon at 6-630+ (:
cant wait to see pl batch 04' ! (:
haha hmm..

caught avatar day before ytd on the opening day with auds and sharmos.
auds was suppta get the 830pm tix at century but we ended up only being able ta get seats for the 9pm one.
anyway, it ROCKED whooo!
(;
met em at 8pm and went to TM's foodcourt to share ice kachang. hahaha
sharmos was really creepy ahahahha. =X HAHA
the moment we entered TM or sth like that i saw this girl from tj who looks like ___.
HAHA and i told sharmos immediately "she looks like __ right"
then sharmos suddenly exploded with craziness and enthusiasm (ahaha) and was like "yeah yeah yeah i thought so too i wanna see agn"
so omg, i assisted her in stalking that girl and auds followed us too. HAHHAA
best, the girl went to the food court and thats how we ended up eating kachang. ahaha
1) is cos i really felt like eating ice kachang and
2) is cos the girl walked into the food court too. hahaha
bumped into jamie and alvina from netball on the way up and i really missed SLCamp again! haha! (:

so we stalked her into the TM food court and sharmos didnt get her long awaited glimpse of the girl. haha
AWW. HMM. TOO BAD. LOLS. i told you it looks like .... ___!
kakakakaka :D

hmm
the ice kachang woman was really stingy and only gave us 2 omg how to spell.. aptapchee. AHHAHA
i think the spelling's 100% wrong. LOLS
i dropped one of the two precious aptapchees on the table. sharmos couldnt eat it. haha!
hmm.. then we walked to century.
we bought a family set.. haha nachos, popcorn, and hot dog and two medium cokes.
then i brought my two lost sheep into the cinema. hahaha so adorable.
ah mong decided not to come, you missed out man! HAHA!

anyway she caught it a day later -__-
cheapo, someone treated you.. hahaha anyway im grateful i have two christmas presents from you :D
THANK YOU THANK YOU :D
haha okay i guess i gtg now.
just got home from lunch at 'Everything with Fries' with a friend.
gonna rest, study econs do GP essay outlines and head over to tiff's.

goodbyeeee, i dont know why i dont really have any itch to blog nowadays.
anyways, (:
my blog's not stagnant yet!

eye opener

2009-12-14T02:32:00.003+08:00

volatility

hello, so aussie was an eye-opener,
i learnt a lot of things and it definitely was an interesting experience.
first time travelling on my own w/o any family members, so i didnt have anyone to remind me of anything.
i think i managed rather well (:

so i guess i'll blog about the most significant thing that happened.
my dad impressed me.
not bad.
i actually left the house with a smile on my face.
not bad.

im catching a movie with ah mong tmrw, then supporting the future j1s at csc for their tournies..
hope everyone wins (:

goodnight

PTG club

2009-12-03T15:00:00.002+08:00

so.. i was once a member of the PTG CLUB. OoO.

hello hello everyone
im leaving sg soon, haha gotta be at the airport at 4.

i cleared my room of old stuff today, and threw the furniture out.
time for new start.. i guess it begins with new furniture?? haha
hmm.. i found old letters from my very second best friend in P2 named Gladys Kee.
hahahaha some of my friends are still acquainted with her, we were in P2 Humility tgt in 2000, she graduated from pl pri and then proceeded on to SCGS and then i think she's in National Junior College now if im not wrong.
she lives in chiltern park and she has a sis named Gloria Kee. hahaha
LOL im kinda typing out my history with her. hahaha
LOLS so anyway, i found several letters she wrote to me in P2..
she was my best buddy and friend then, with Tiffany Kuek too. haha!

so in her letters it mentioned.. PTG club. hahaha
at first when i read the first letter, i didnt realise what it was. PTG.. then after reading a few other letters that i found randomly all over the table, i realised PTG stood for -Paddy/Tiffany & Gladys club. HAHA!
omgosh, i dont even remember that. and Gladys was damn cute then, she kept writing to me to ask me to write her back. hahaha and there was this one letter which said
"paddy, lets go everywhere tgt okay?"
then a few others that read..
"okay im going to write you more letters to cheer you up, paddy lets not talk about sad things anymore ok?"
"thanks for the poem that you wrote for me paddy, im going to write you more poems too"
"paddy now that i've given you my special handmade paper with chops on it, tell me what paper youre goin to reply my letter on okay?"
"paddy can you tell me your english marks, chinese marks, math marks?"
"paddy lets write to each other more, so we can pass our letters to each other in class/school"
"paddy can i ask you something? who is your best friend? i'll tell you something but you cant tell anyone ok? youre my bestest best friend. paddy who is your best friend again?"

hahaha omgoodness so damn cute. hahahaa
and she always signed off as "Love, Gladys", "your best friend", "her chinese name... uhhhh smth ling ling" or.. "GKLL"
then she would also write on the envelope..
To: Paddy
From: ~~Gladys~~ (a lot of cancellations) then.. your friend and buddy

hahahaha so cute omg omgomgomgogmgom LOL
haha! anyways, i kinda missed her. haha! somehow i remember Exactlly how she looked like in pri sch. hahah. =D
among the three of us, Tiff her and i she was the only girly one. haha.
i had so much fun in 2000. its still the Best year of my life. hahaha

if only i could turn the clock and bring it all back.. (;
anyway Tiff's in NYJC, im in TJC, and she's in NJC.. i guess we're all busy enough and it was prolly a long time ago that we were only preoccupied with friendships..

i think i gtg now.. its 320pm..
(:<
goodbye! see you all in 9 days!
i hope i enjoy it (:

<3 loads

disappointment

2009-12-01T21:41:00.002+08:00

so be it

i feel disappointed

you know what they say, the more effort you put into things the more you'll be disappointed when the results arent what you expected.
it's cliche but true

goodnight

bleed and bleed

2009-12-01T00:56:00.002+08:00

bleed just to know you're Aliveeee

hello hello,
shar's 18th bday bash ytd rocked! (:
headed there with sharmos after mr gan's wedding ytd and we got there round 11.
pretty late, but ppl were still arriving.
missed azu by a bit.. man, sorry buddy! meet up soon when i get back from aussie!

mr gan's wedding was quite fun.
future J1s came. 3 lost sheep. ahaa, theresa really looks like corpse bride man k! haha!
hmm, mong kept stressing out that she was over-dressed. she looked fine in fact! more than fine! great! (:
those who dressed appropriately looked great (:

hmm, shar's 18th bday bash was so fun.
saw janice, sardine, shar :D, kiahwee, zaboof, jacintha, serene, eunice, annie, annie's friend grace, natasha, riane and regina, and many others too many to note down.. yep.
annie arrived only an hr before sharmos and i and she was alr drunk like shit by the time we arrived. haha!
INSANE. wasted in a hour. haha!

drank ard 2 litres of beer, baileys, and absolute before heading to BED. HAHA
yes bed, was damn tired cos of duno what so sharmos and i slept at 230am. HAHA
alive for merely 3 hrs at the party, anw shar was pretty okay with it. hahaha
the rest were crazy, annie puked, her friend grace puked in her hair omg! and ppl washed their dirty bodies in the friggin pool. haha!
eeeeuck gross! ahah okay im one of em. LOL =X haha!

cam-whored, watched ppl dance, stoned ard, talked, listened (:
i've been off hard liquor for a year cos of my bad experience last yr, and it's been a ride! haha!
didnt get drunk but was pretty blur and tired.
when im tired i get drunk faster so it wasnt a good time to drink too much and make it out alive at the end of the party. haha!
hmm

today was kris's last ppr! meet up soon babe (: hope everything's been good yeah?
<3 all the stress's gone! :D

went home to crash my bed.
slept for 3 hrs and headed to PP after that to study lit and econs.
time to start studying alr, i'll be gone in a few days for like 9 days then i can only mug when i get back. hur
it was quite productive, but yet not.
felt kinda frustrated and gave up after studying for 4 hrs straight.

dad picked me up and we went home.
been trying to add Denise on msn for 3 weeks and i've been failing miserably. ahha
oh well, not fated to chat on msn. hahaha freaking lazy girl dont wanna reply my texts, k we'll chat on fb if MSN really doesnt wanna let you talk to me. haha!
anyway i had fun at camp too you dont squirm when i pinch your fats. hahaha

anyway there's trng tmrw and i better sleep now.
goodnight people, have a great day!

needa get a hold of

2009-11-21T23:21:00.002+08:00

i need to get a hold of...

SLCamp starts on monday.
i hope i survive and come back in one piece, haha.
had lunch with sharms after trng today at amk hub..
walked ard for awhile- looked ard for new slippers for her and a new bag for myself.
didnt find anything.. haha, but then we had fun (:

crashed at her place and watched king kong with her sis.
it was kinda funny but sharmsie was falling asleep.. today's trng was damn good but tiring..
haha, my butt is aching right now! lols!
no bed... = ):

had dinner with her family at changi point after that, and shopped ard at changi for awhile.
they bought a $3 PAO. $3, OMG hahaha
it was damn huge like the size of sharm's face.. hahaha just kidding :D
lols, it was the size of my palm!
it rained super heavily during dinner and dinner was super shiok (:
asam fish head, some tofu with oatmeal and kailan with mushrooms.. hahaha

went to tampines 1 with em after and met my dad there at uni qlo to collect his pants.
looked ard at some lappies at sony style before heading home..
im gonna sleep now, it was such a nice day today! (:

goodnight, (:
i hope this feeling lasts forever (:

happpiest day of 2009

2009-11-19T01:41:00.002+08:00

happiest day of 2009

haha, hello everyone (:

HAPPY SWEET SIXTEENTH SHARMS! ((:

the surprise party for sharms was a success! :D
brought her cake to ann's house and waited for her to arrive.
(: she was really surprised and we sang the birthday song for her. (;
i bought her a kueh lapis cake cos she loves kueh lapis. hahaha

played 'I never' with her friends, and after two rounds everyone was busy suaning ann.
hahahahaha.
really hilarious. really entertaining, and ann wouldnt stop trying to rape sharms. hahaha
poor sharms.. LOL
crapped ard, played more 'I Never' which consisted of drinking green tea + soya sauce + pepper. hahahaha, damn sick after you keep drinking.. lol we played for more than an hour. cos ann kept disappearing, for smth impt. haha

played in her room, listened to R&B and talked about crap.
later two of sharms friends left and ashley and i started to irritate deborah and sharms.
tickling em and irritatin em with the velcro sound. HAHAHA
they both hated the velcro sound. ann kept trying to rape sharms. ashley and i assisted in holding her down. HAHA

later at 545, we walked out in the rain to the bus stop and took a bus to chomp chomp.
went to ice cube with sharms, heyong and ann.
met sam and pl prefects from my batch there. haha.
they had a banana split and ann tied the cherry stalk into a knot. HAHAHA
been outta practice aye.
DONT KEEL ME :D
lol.

tiffy picked us up from chomps after we bought her dinner.
met ariel and liyana at chomps! theyre studying at TP biz now! hahaha
rock on rock on
edna was in the car too.
wanted to watch a movie at ann's place but we ended up talking bout jcs instead and asking ann to decide. hahaha
joyce came to meet us too and wow she still trains man!
talked till quite late at night, and adored 'ppl' on FB.
HAHAHA
sharms left at 1030, then we started talking about r/s. haha
quite funny, tiff, edna, joyce and i said we can be independent and not get married.
HAHAH ann you'll never survive alone.. lols.
haha!

it was quite nice to talk to em.. (: i missed em a lot!
lols, then edna, joyce and tiff left at 1130, and my dad came soon after.
now im home, just had to blog about today.
it was super happy :D

goodnight everyone (:

comfort zone

2009-11-18T02:59:00.001+08:00

Kinda out of my comfort zone and back in again

haha hello everyone!
(:

SLCongress was a success!
at least for the 2nd day (:
cabbed with chloe to chung cheng high and soon got acquainted with my grp!
we were from Adorra and i was from grp 5! aha
first, we went to chung cheng's lect hall and had talks about leadership for ard 3 hrs!
my ears were dying already, poor ears, since i had listened to 7 hrs of adam khoo stuff the previous day.
i kinda regret going for adam khoo! hahaah! otherwise i wouldve gotten to know my funny grpmates better (;

actually, i think i had changed grp and previously i was from lee ying's grp-dont know which grp that was.. haha!
hmm.. anyway, after 3 hrs of lecture, i was frozen like an ice cube and extremely hungry.
we were dismissed and i went with my grp to chung cheng's canteen.
hahaha, it was kinda funny cos some other girls were feeling as hungry as i was
and immediately stated the obvious. hahaha!
"you wanna get food" (smile/grin extra widely -hinting.. NOW) hahaha
then im like all.. "yeah, where?" ahhahaa greedy greedy ahaha
so these two girls are called Denise and Nicole and we hung out tgt most of the day.
(:

after our first round, haha i just stopped eating, but still felt quite hungry.
hahaha i was waiting for someone to initiate "hey let's go for another round" when Denise rose to the occasion. (i bet you were waiting for someone to initiate the food grabbing process.. hahaha)
she went "hey Paddy wanna go for a 2nd round-?"
me: "yah yah yah yah" hahaahah
then after both of us got up, Nicole joined too.
haha but somehow when we got there there were no more plates left.
best, and i just threw my plate away before that. hahaha
then suddenly both of em were scavenging ard for plates.. hahaaha
we then went back to our grp to try to borrow plates so that we could get food (ahahha how desparate are we) and then they were both damn paiseh of cooking up a greedy image for themselves. hahaha i dont think anyone noticed (;

after the 2nd helping, we chionged off for the job hunt briefing.
we were supposed to go to bugis street to get a job, have lunch and be back at CCH by 4pm.
hahaha and it was alr 12 when they were briefing us. LOL!
so, grp 5 made our way to paya lebar MRT stn and trained down to bugis.
it was quite a fun experience.. Chor Hung couldnt stop talking the entire time since I Knew Him.
hahhahaa, and he said that the longest time that he stopped talking for was 1 min 26 sec.
wah, then OP surely must be proded already. LOL

i made this joke on the bus that his mouth was running on solar energy and since we needed him to keep quiet, i said since we were in the shade inside the bus, his batt should be literally dead.
then Nicole added in, maybe his mouth was running on rechargeable solar batt. okay, GG.
ahahaha, we accepted from then that he couldnt be stopped.
his mouth could not be defeated by anyone else's.. LOL

grp 5 had their lunch at food junction.
then we broke off into our pairs to search for a job at bugis street!
my partner was this sec sch kid from pasir ris sec, called Weixiang!
hahaha, okay we got rejected by a few shops and Weixiang was telling me abt his strategy in which how we could choose the right shop and not get rejected.
we were supposed to provide free labour for employers at bugis street for an hour plus.
haha, he said we should try the shops that were big cos the owner probably couldnt handle all the sales by himself.
LOL, smart kid, we entered this shop called pink box, and i asked the auntie if we could work for her.
at first she rejected us(ouch) then i quickly mentioned that if she let us work for her FOC, our group would be awarded a thousand points per person, so.. she now obliged us by thinking twice.
then, out of goodwill, she took me. hahahaha poor Weixiang couldnt work cos the shop was selling women's clothes. ahahah

it was kinda funny, i saw some ex pl lites at bugis street. LOL, and i was dressed like 0.0
ugly, hahaah i've never worn fbts to bugis/town before, this was my first time. so underdressed, omg. LOL
anw my friends looked the same, so no harm there (;
ahha!

anyway, almost everyone from grp 5 managed to get a job! (man we're some persuasive ppl huh ;D)
and at 315pm, boarded bus 12 and headed back to CCH.
the bus ride with Denise and Nicole was fun, i havent had such an entertaining conversation in almost 8 months! omg!
ahaha, being true blue all girls sch girls, we talked bout everything under the sun (bout girls schs)
hahaha, it was so funny (:
and i found some things surprising and hilarious! lols

once back at CCH, we chilled in Chung Cheng's guang qian tang (my direct translation: light, forward hall) hahahaha
and talked somemore. went out, talked more, chilled out with Chor Hung at the bench.
Later we did some mass dance-speedy and some really weird shit freaking hilarious i dont know what kinda dance ok but it was super funny. LOL
grp 5 didnt win anything but it was okay.

i enjoyed myself thoroughly and i wish that i'd been there ytd!
hmms, nvm..
kinda happy i made new great friends! (:

i was actually super tired(actually i still am) but i cant sleep again ahaha.
its almost 3, woah, better sleep like a log now.
my owl instincts are out. LOL
okay

i was on facebook!

goodnight (:
it's been so long since i have typed out a post like this.
not just a post skimping over the details and just giving the overview.
i like to read posts that make me smile, and when i read it-im able to capture the essence of what actually happened (;
guess i can do it with this post (;

8 more weeks

2009-11-11T22:07:00.002+08:00

i just realised that im starting school in exactly 8 weeks!
11 jan, wow, one week has passed alr since sch ended last friday!
goodnight!

actual goals

2009-11-11T21:24:00.003+08:00

actual goals

hello everyone.. i just finished re-doing my new script for tmrw's op.
hope everything goes well. im sleeping soon after this post..
kinda tired..

today i kinda didnt wanna wake up becos of all the dreams that i was having during my sleep..
[: i dreamt my ah ma died during my a lvls! then i was really upset and argh
dreamt of sharmaine, pl mates, parts of my life- very very old stuff in the past.. transitions of life.. but in my current mindset. ahha
basically, i had A Lot of dreams.. hmm

day before ytd i came up with some goals for next year.
next year, i wanna get
A for GP
B for math
C for lit
C for cse
D for econs
at least.. by whenever. just by next year.. i expect my goals will shift accordingly when the year starts..

hmm (: stay positive (:
i was just thinking of what i wanted to do in uni..
maybe, mass comm, biz or lit? hmm.. it'll work itself out in time..
i should focus on a future goal and work towards it [:

today i met a friend for brunch at pp,
had quite a fun time talking,
it was good (:

then headed down to citylink starbucks alone..
read my book for about 3 hours, then walked to esplanade to look at some art!
the art pieces were kinda depressing, so i left quite soon after catching a glimpse of them and after taking in the messages they held.. hmm all i could say was, the art was good!
just too depressing for me.. haha [:

had dinner alone, LOL i just realised that i spent most of my time alone today.
lols, then took a really long detour before taking the MRT home.
got home at around 6, bathed and concentrated on pw until just 5 min ago..

okay, i think i'll end my post here.
im kinda tired, and op starts at 0745 tmrw..
goodnight [:

and, thanks stacey for listening and understanding.. (:
thanks for the advice too, it was smth i hoped someone would be empathetic enough to say
hugs

pw ends in 12 hours.
thank god, im gonna pray that god sees me through tmrw becos i dont know how,
-
..
im so tired there's no need to argue and fret anymore, night [:

Yr One is Over

2009-11-06T15:31:00.003+08:00

Yr One is Over

today, is the last day of school.
Last time feeling like a J1. kinda sad..
to think that next's gonna fly by just like a bullet train.
thing's are gonna speed up even faster and i might not even be able to cope with everything..
emotions, work load, pressures and expectations, friendship..

hmm. but it's gonna come sooner or later so i guess im gonna have to prepare myself..
i hope i can be a good captain, that i will be able to actually lead the team forward and not backward, make everyone enjoy themselves while trng, and have a blast at TJC.
i hope i can do it all

im going to need strength, i hope i'll have the strength.. somehow, i'll have it.
i hope i can reach the expected target for the rank points i should get by next yr. meaning, 45 rank points..
i think im either getting 35-40 rank points now, not the slightest bit of encouragement is felt when anyone receives this kind of results.
i just hope i improve next year.

things will get better (:
and, if for a moment i thought that i was the worse, i was so wrong

see you ppl, we're leaving for AMK hub soon. it's gonna be a long ride.. enough time on the MRT and bus for sleep to chase away my headache.
(:

A HUG FOR ANYONE WHO NEEDS IT (;
massive virtual -HUG-

zhuzhu's going to ann's house after this.. i wish i could go too..
nvm, another time!
stayover soon at my place! (:
piranha, we need to teach ann how to cycle! haha! see you (:

i heard

2009-11-05T22:27:00.003+08:00

i heard

hello people!
i just finished i&r about 2 hrs ago! yayza.
last individual component for PW. GOD YES. OVER
WR gone last friday, I&R gone tmrw, the feeling is simply blissful!
(:

OP gone by next thur..
school's been boring but nice and Slack.
OP everyday until sian, see classmates also sian. everybody's sian.. of OP.
mr seng didnt shoot us down like he usually does today.
had a lot of admin to handle today, ordering of lit yr 2 texts, slc money matters, workshop payments, bmt admin, CSE surveys..
at least its over!

TMRW IS THE BEST TGIF ever
hahahaha it's the last day of school.
yay x1000000

kkk
class party with 3309 was awesome! it brought a lot of happiness to me and im glad im seeing everyone(hopefully) in yr 2!
you're all great! but i realised just now while facebooking that ntjj wasnt in the class pics taken. hahaa. MIA again i guess!
haha, (: thanks for the hug today piranha (: you were late for sch cos it was raining.. hahaha lucky ms G was late tooo..

goodnight, <3

time isnt on my side

2009-11-04T22:47:00.003+08:00

time isnt on my side

1. disappointed
2. pissed
3. upset
4. angry
5. useless
6. lousy
7. pathetic
8. normal

-hug-

2009-11-02T21:52:00.002+08:00

-hug-

the big chinese A's are over.
whoo hoo.
i kinda wrote off topic for the essay, but let's hope it's moderated to my advantage.
i just want a freaking "S" at the minimum, but im aiming for a c/d.
i think that's what i can get.. unless im hell of a lucky kid.

my luck's Bad btw.
ahha. ppl should know that. LOLS, it's proven man. not scientifically though, that'd just be sad. hahaha

hmm.. i was just reminded of How TIRING it is to freak out before a paper.
and how damn impt it is Not to Freak Out before a paper.
last night, i wasted precious time thinking bout other things other than chinese that were worrying the crap outta me, like A's and Chinese A's, PW, IS** etc etc..
all these thoughts were draining everything from me even though i was prolly behaving like the laziest sloth ard.
although i slept awhile during the night before getting up to study, i still felt super tired when i started mugging for chinese.

then i remembered how i felt during the O's period last year.
everytime there is a huge event: O's/A's/whatever that's goin on
you can kinda go overboard sometimes when you get too passionate about your work/proj that you feel it's like the end of the world IF you fail.
i remember i was so terrified for certain papers last year, and looking back and reflecting on it now, all these worrysome thoughts simply lessened the chances of me feeling confident before doing the paper, and also tired me out before i even attempted the paper.

today, i learnt to calm myself down even though i was scared, and thus could think more clearly.
i hope this good habit will repeat itself throughout next year.. im sure i'll be able to cope better during tournie period and for prelims and subsequently A's.

just gotta manage my time well (:

hmms.. anyway, on to my day,
chinese was so early! 8-11am.. brain was still tired when i woke up from my sleep.
ahaha. reached sch at 730 and sat with alastair and ann in the canteen.
ann went shopping over the weekend (omg) haha she didnt study for chi at all man, she left her tb in her locker -.- ahha!

it was tiring but we finished the paper,
genius zhen, ann and i went to 18 chefs at east point for lunch..
some TPJC ppl kept staring at us for no reason but i didnt notice.
ahha i saw an ex pl lite from my batch but i cant remember her name.. haha, she's in VJC now
i rmb her cos i rmb she was from pl pri too and i rmb that i thought that she looked like a mouse.
hahaha, she still looks like a mouse btw.. LOLS haha

lunch was fun, it was my first time hanging out with both of em alone.
haha it wasnt a very conventional grp. LOL
genius zhen left to meet her best friend after lunch and ann followed me to popular!
ahhaa!
i renewed my popular card and bought new cue cards and an econs model essay book!
omg! ahahah. i hope it helps..
argh, they never sell any guide books for humanities man.. -CSE, Lit
so disciminating! ahha. even in TJ's Zap shop, they dont sell lit and cse papers from other JCs too..
argh..

hmms, left popular after that and went to challenger to look ard..
ann wanted to get a laptop case and i needed to buy a micro SD card for my HTC.
i bought my SD card and we left soon after.
had to rush to meet poh ying to get my pw script from her..
walked with ann to the bus stop that was located far away to take bus 12 home.
had a nice chat.. mainly she talked..
it was kinda comfortable (: and nice

jay-walked and we went our separate ways.
training was alright too.
kinda fun but tiring again today.
chels and i lost to mrs goh and li tse. hahahaa
chels is a nice partner man.. haha
we were supposed to partner for cheers doubles but we didnt in the end!
lols

haha im excited for the DSAS!
hahahaha chloe and i are discussing smth for em.
it's gonna be awesome! hahaah! (:

goodnight everyone, need to go revise my script now for tmrw's presentation.
school ends at 3 instead of 530 tmrw.
YAY

brain-fried

2009-10-29T21:08:00.003+08:00

brain-fried

hey everyone!
WR is over. im happy.

im going to sleep soon..
feeling damn tired after today.
i've finished my 2nd draft for I&R, gracey is going to help me print!
so nice! thanks =)

talking to weng, and zhiyang now.. not about work.
finally. a break
there's another OP rehearsal tmrw.. so sian, next week there're rehearsals on tues,wed and thur too.
i tell you, i feel so sick of my script. haha

anyway, chinese A's are on monday. so there's no school for those w/o H1 chinese.
hah. okay im going to turn in early today (:
feeling very tired..
i'll study chinese tmr.. i really cant take anymore today.
goodnight (:

to all j2s!
all the best for A's man.. it's ard the corner, but you can do it k!
believe in yourselves! (: 4As! (:
love loads

to kris:
omg im sorry i couldnt help much. hope econs will be easier soon. you can do it k, dont give up kris, big hug!! (; i'll try looking ard for you.. will sms you as soon as i hear of any!
all the best girl! (;

_|_

2009-10-29T00:04:00.003+08:00

It's a Vulgar day

these are one of the days when i feel like SCREAMING and DYING immediately.
i Need to declare that i HATE PW like fuck.
and i have never said "bitch" so many times in my life.
and omgoodness, im not even refering to a girl.
WTF.

the reason why im so pissed is because someone keeps hanging the fucking phone up even when im trying to ask and clarify something impt and had no fucking respect for me, my time or whatever, talking to me like as if i only have pw and nothing else to focus on (eg, chinese) giving me his fucking "nice" attitude
and treats me like a fucking doormat.
yeah, call me when you need me to answer your fucking qn, and hang up without hearing mine,
btw its my project. omfg. _l_

i need to sleep soon.
school ends at fucking four tmrw and i need to rush down with my grp to kaki bukit after school to print our fucking wr, yay, just 36 more hours till the END of wr.
fucking happy i tell you, fucking OMG OVERJOYED.

LUCKY you are not my pw group member,
or else i'll tell you to screw yourself, Seriously.
fucking impatient and i have never been annoyed to this extent throughout the whole year,
not even by my pw groupmates who can annoy me sometimes.

i just NEED TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW
"FUCK YOU BITCH"
omg. ppl will say, dont overreact. (thank you so much Annm for Understanding.)
but the fact is, in 36 hours, wr is due.
and just 6 hours ago, so many changes have not been made and alignment's not settled,
and we have to print and bind by tmr.

and you agreed to send it to me by today.
and look, i dont even have it yet.
any experienced person who knows your ways should be weary of you.
you arent one to be trusted or relied on.

pls, i have a right to panic.
the soft copy isnt done too.
and dont expect it to be completed and burned in No Time at all, cos in reality, everything takes time.
yeah, and thanks too. for stressing me out.
of course i want things to be perfect, so we have a better shot at getting our "As" as a whole group.
but at the same time, i have to study chinese bec chinese A's are next monday,
and honestly any normal person will not be able to concentrate fully and dedicate their time, energy and enthusiasm to both at the same time.
either can drain one mentally and emotionally already.

anyway, im so tired. i've been at pw since monday after trng at 8pm,
and non stop today since 9am this morning.
i hope i never feel this angry with anyone ever again, about jc work.
and i hope no one can ever induce this much anger in me (actually, everyone might not cept for You, special person)
it's extremely draining and for nothing as well.
im going to sleep now.
need rest, school ends damn late tmr..

night ppl.
oh. met annm at pp today to attempt to study chinese..
we did like 10% of what we were supp to do but i ended up being there for her and vice versa.
good break.
cheers,

i hope i dont see you or talk to you or anything right now,
cos you really pissed me off and i dont wish to be reminded of you, in any way.

GOODNIGHT , just 36 more hrs.
then 13 more days to OP, then ITS OVER.
whoo hoo yippee.